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I started my blog for me. I wanted to tell my story in a more permanent way, but never really had intentions of sharing it beyond a few close friends. However, it became apparent that sharing it was indeed the next step of my story. Since sharing it, I have received phone calls, emails and texts from friends and family either lending support or divulging their own stories. I have felt so honored to be trusted with these sentiments.

I feel that the next step in my blog is to create a space for readers to share their thoughts and feelings about particular posts. I ask myself many questions throughout this blog, and I try to leave the post with a question for you to ponder. My hope is that through my own thinking and processing, I can connect with the feelings of others and quietly remind them they are not alone. Sometimes knowing there is another person experiencing similar feelings is very validating, or so I have found.

If you wish to contribute to my story through your comments, I only ask that you write with compassion. We are all fighting our own fight. I hope that we can all connect with each other more and feel encouraged and loved through our own vulnerability. Let’s be brave together.

WTF do you want to share?

Straight Into The Storm

When I was in Cleveland earlier this month, I did something I’ve never done before. I walked into a bar by myself, ordered a drink, and struck up a conversation with the guy next to me. My only goal was to be vulnerable, to sit somewhere by myself and try to connect with a stranger. Thankfully, the guy didn’t shoot me down and I ended up chatting with him and his friends, joining their bowling night, and had a great time. I walked away that night with a renewed sense of community and a great vibe for Cleveland. When you put yourself out there, there is no telling whom you might connect with.

Over the course of the night and the various conversations, we shared some stories about our lives, relationships and families. They were a pretty open and warm group and I instantly felt comfortable. One of the guys, Nick, shared a saying that resonated with me at this point in time:

            The cows walk right into the storm.

Whatever troubles we have, adversities we are facing, there is no other way to face them than head on. In order to truly confront them, deal with our strong emotions, and come out the other side a stronger individual, we must charge head on into the storm. We can try to ignore what we feel or mask it with something else. We can try to escape the storm but then we will simply be running from it. We will be operating from a place of fear rather than a place of strength and empowerment.

We must walk right into the storm. There is no other way.

WTF are you shying away from?

It's The End Of An Era

Today is the start of the Junior Short Dance at the 2016 Eastern Sectional Figure Skating Championships. Today my students should be on the ice, warming up their elements, adjusting their skate tape, and nervously sipping their water bottles. I should be there too- obsessively checking that I have their back up CDs, taking secret release breaths, and trying to find my 6th cup of coffee before noon. But we aren’t there. We are no longer what we used to be. It breaks my heart. But the show must go on.

It’s not about the skating though. To me, these students have been like children to me- I have cried with them, for them, and because of them. We have traveled together, laughed together, and argued together. We have made beautiful moments and triumphed over hardships. We have all learned how to communicate better, respect one another, and work alongside each other towards our common goal. We have become our own little family, and now we have fallen apart. It’s the end of an era.

Change is so difficult to cope with. So. Difficult. We try to manage our own change as we adjust accordingly to the change in others. We can’t predict how or where our changes will take us. We don’t know if others will follow or fall behind. Perhaps we will each take our own course and arrive at the same place. Other times we will find we’ve reached the end of our path alone. Maybe we hit a detour and are forced to move along a new path; maybe we hit a roadblock and must discover our own way out.

Whatever changes come for my students, I hope they greet them with open minds, flexibility and perseverance. I hope they will look back on their skating fondly and leave with wonderful memories, loyal friends, and some damn good twizzles.

WTF happens when it's all over?!

Friendships

My college roommate (aka my “pretty kitty”) Brittany always quoted this line as one of her favorites:

            “Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher.”

                        -Oprah Winfrey

I didn’t really understand this when I met her my freshmen year at The College of New Jersey.  Back then, I was looking for my gaggle of girls to go to frat parties with on a Tuesday night, or someone to grab mac and cheese with at midnight.  My friends were a part of my life but more as avenues for fun and entertainment, rather than meaningful connections.

Now as a trek through all my uncertainty, it is my friends who have thrown out the lifeline and tried to save me. My family has been wonderful too, but they have a different lens. My friends are my friends through choice, and that willingness is what makes these relationships so special to me. They don’t *have* to help me, they want to. Each friend provides their own insight, with different layers of experience woven into their advice. Some friends have known me since childhood and remind me of where I came from, and how I’ve grown. Other friends are recently discovered kindred spirits, who have a fresh outlook without the baggage of history. Perhaps the most special are those who reach out unexpectedly, offering a perspective without any agenda to fix me. Regardless of our connection, their mission is the same- to provide love, support and encouragement.

True friends are incredible. They look at all your troubles, mistakes and flaws and love you anyway. They ask the tough questions. They allow you to be your ugliest, most candid self. They don’t accept your shit. Most importantly, they have always given me the space to truly experience all that I am feeling. They don’t dismiss my feelings, change them, or convince me otherwise. They give so much. But they also push me. My friends are my mirrors- they force me to face my truths and they don’t let me hide my flaws. I can’t ignore the face my best friend gives when I have done something wrong, I can’t pretend I don’t hear her tone over the phone.

If I can offer one piece of unsolicited advice, it is this- reach out to that friend you haven’t spoken to in awhile. Reconnect with that friend from college who you lost touch with. Forgive that friend who pissed you off a while ago. Show compassion for the friend who is having a hard time. They will appreciate it; they need it. And you will be forever grateful you did it too.

The best of friends hide nothing. I’m so lucky to have mine. They have reached out to me and pulled me out of this hole; they have lifted me higher.

WTF is stopping you from connecting with a friend of yours?

Reframing Selfish

I don’t fly super often, but enough times a year that I barely pay attention to the safety procedures anymore before each flight (sorry Mom). I’ll glance up from time to time and count how many seats before my closest exit, but that’s pretty much it. The rest I have memorized, including this important reminder:

            Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.

How else are you supposed to help others when you’re passed out on the floor? Shouldn’t we take this same stance while not cruising at a high altitude? Doesn’t our well being come first? I ask this because lately I’ve heard myself say the word selfish a lot- “Am I being selfish? Is that a selfish thing to say?” Hoping that perhaps by asking, I can rid myself of the potential guilt from placing my mask on first.

Selfish isn’t a pretty word. It means that we are caring for our self without regard for others. But mindfully caring for ourselves and focusing on our own needs is simply demonstrating self-care. It’s reflective, healthy and important work. It’s staying intimately connected to what feels good and right in our bodies and minds, and following through. This has been the most powerful thing for me lately- finding something that feels good, and then DOING IT! Right now it’s running (I will admit, it’s still a little love/hate).

It’s the difference between “I’m working on myself” and “I need you to work on me.” It’s the difference between finding joy in an activity versus relying on the actions of others to make you happy. As long as we keep a healthy focus on ourselves while being compassionate towards others, we can safely replace the word selfish with self-care. And really, who wouldn’t want us to have a healthy relationship with ourselves? Anyone who says otherwise, is probably being selfish.

WTF is wrong with some self-care? I’m going to answer this time- Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Things I'm Learning

Don’t play games, don’t let someone else steer your relationship, don’t put the ball in their court.

I used to think that I needed to let someone else set the pace so I wasn’t “that girl” who pushes things too quickly/intensely. However, when we don’t take charge and move along according to our own desires, we run the risk of losing our voice in the relationship. Make the calls and send the texts yourself, otherwise you might end up going down a path you didn’t really decide upon. We should be active, loving participants in our relationships, not just bystanders.

Have the tough, meaningful conversations at the start and connect on these big adult issues.

I didn’t do this. Now, I feel like I can’t stress this enough. I’m even trying to implement this in my friendships. If they can’t handle talking about the future in a real way, then they don’t belong in yours. We don’t have to agree, but it’s so important to find a path together and work towards a common goal. Differences may attract, but the way in which we tackle obstacles should be complementary.

Settle for nothing. Seek romance, intimacy, and partnership because you deserve it.

OK, perfection doesn’t exist. I think the word should be deleted from the dictionary. There is no perfect person for us; I’ve always believed that there are many people who could be our match. However, there is someone for each of us who stimulates our minds, who pushes us to be our most awesome selves, and who is ready to buckle up together for the journey of life. I believe everyone can find that awesome partner who wants to make a beautiful life together.

WTF have you learned?

The Dangers of Headphones

Lately I have been walking my dog Maple with my headphones in.  During a time of extreme anxiety and stress, I find that music quiets my never-ending train of thoughts. Muse is my artist of choice. It allows me to focus on walking and listening, rather than questioning and doubting.

Today, however, a woman named Francis interrupted my groove about 2 blocks from home. She jumped from her porch to come say hello to my pup, a common occurrence because he’s just so freaking cute. Rather than hurry off, Maple and I stayed to chat. I learned that she was a Vietnam vet, worked for 30 years in California as a licensed nurse, and had recently taken in a homeless family and called the children her own. Though blind in one eye, she knew I was beautiful due to my aura, or so she told me. She asked if she could pray for me while we stood on her sidewalk. Never one to turn down free support, I happily obliged. As she stared into my eyes and asked God to bless me with love, prosperity, health and happiness I couldn’t help but smile right back at her.  This eccentric stranger (who may or may not have had a few afternoon beers) had really touched my heart. She asked me to come by again with my dog so we could play cards on her porch.

It’s times like this that I remember how dangerous headphones can be. What a beautiful moment I would have missed otherwise. It was a gentle reminder that though I may be in a tough spot, serendipitous moments are always just around the corner.

WTF else have I missed?

Self-doubt

Doubting oneself might be the worst form of self-punishment.  It throws even the most centered, logical person into a space of turmoil and pain. Everything instantly becomes a question and an answer; nothing can solve the riddle.  It’s like quicksand- the more you struggle and search, the quicker it pulls you down.

I used to trust my gut. I used to think I knew myself and my wants, needs, dreams, and fears. What I thought was fact now seems like wild fiction. Things that were set now seem unstable. I feel as though suddenly the massive ship I was traveling on just changed to an inflatable raft, desperately trying to stay afloat in the midst of a gusty storm. I’m drowning in my desperation.

There’s a battle between my head, my heart and my gut. I’m trying to breathe deeply and search inward for clarity. I am trying to find comfort in silence and space. I overheard in my yoga class someone say, “You can breathe into your heart, but you cannot breathe into your mind.”

How in the world is your brain supposed to find relief?

WTF happened??

Who's this person in the mirror?

I read a Humans of New York post that really resonated with me. A man spoke about happiness and compared it to a mixing board; each person’s definition of happiness is different depending on the configuration of their board. Each dial can represent something different: family, friendships, career, values and success. When I read this, I realized two things:

1.     My career dial is one of the biggest dials on my board because my intention is to live a life fully integrated with my career.

2.     My career dial is turned down SUPER L….O….W

For some people, the answer is to apply for a new job and get back on the job hunt.  For me though, it’s caused a bit of a quarter life (plus a few years!) crisis.

Since leaving my position as a public school teacher, I’ve struggled with my professional identity. When I left the job that I had trained myself to do for four years in college and four years in the classroom, I really had no idea what was next.  My job was so tied to my identity, in ways that weren’t even evident until I was out of the classroom. All I knew was what I didn’t want. 

Two years later, I’m still not sure where my path is heading. What do you do when the road you were journeying on is forced to take a detour, with no signs to get you back on your path? What happens when you no longer identify with who you were? Or who you thought you were? How do we cope with the major and unexpected shifts in our personal growth?

I sure as hell don’t have any answers yet. But I’m starting to feel more positive as I listen to my gut, follow new ideas, and allow things to develop naturally. Perhaps as I turn up the other dials of my mixing board, the next step will begin to unfold.

WTF is supposed to happen next?

*If you don’t know HONY and the amazing work Brandon is doing, go check it out: www.humansofnewyork.com