Straight Into The Storm

When I was in Cleveland earlier this month, I did something I’ve never done before. I walked into a bar by myself, ordered a drink, and struck up a conversation with the guy next to me. My only goal was to be vulnerable, to sit somewhere by myself and try to connect with a stranger. Thankfully, the guy didn’t shoot me down and I ended up chatting with him and his friends, joining their bowling night, and had a great time. I walked away that night with a renewed sense of community and a great vibe for Cleveland. When you put yourself out there, there is no telling whom you might connect with.

Over the course of the night and the various conversations, we shared some stories about our lives, relationships and families. They were a pretty open and warm group and I instantly felt comfortable. One of the guys, Nick, shared a saying that resonated with me at this point in time:

            The cows walk right into the storm.

Whatever troubles we have, adversities we are facing, there is no other way to face them than head on. In order to truly confront them, deal with our strong emotions, and come out the other side a stronger individual, we must charge head on into the storm. We can try to ignore what we feel or mask it with something else. We can try to escape the storm but then we will simply be running from it. We will be operating from a place of fear rather than a place of strength and empowerment.

We must walk right into the storm. There is no other way.

WTF are you shying away from?

Friendships

My college roommate (aka my “pretty kitty”) Brittany always quoted this line as one of her favorites:

            “Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher.”

                        -Oprah Winfrey

I didn’t really understand this when I met her my freshmen year at The College of New Jersey.  Back then, I was looking for my gaggle of girls to go to frat parties with on a Tuesday night, or someone to grab mac and cheese with at midnight.  My friends were a part of my life but more as avenues for fun and entertainment, rather than meaningful connections.

Now as a trek through all my uncertainty, it is my friends who have thrown out the lifeline and tried to save me. My family has been wonderful too, but they have a different lens. My friends are my friends through choice, and that willingness is what makes these relationships so special to me. They don’t *have* to help me, they want to. Each friend provides their own insight, with different layers of experience woven into their advice. Some friends have known me since childhood and remind me of where I came from, and how I’ve grown. Other friends are recently discovered kindred spirits, who have a fresh outlook without the baggage of history. Perhaps the most special are those who reach out unexpectedly, offering a perspective without any agenda to fix me. Regardless of our connection, their mission is the same- to provide love, support and encouragement.

True friends are incredible. They look at all your troubles, mistakes and flaws and love you anyway. They ask the tough questions. They allow you to be your ugliest, most candid self. They don’t accept your shit. Most importantly, they have always given me the space to truly experience all that I am feeling. They don’t dismiss my feelings, change them, or convince me otherwise. They give so much. But they also push me. My friends are my mirrors- they force me to face my truths and they don’t let me hide my flaws. I can’t ignore the face my best friend gives when I have done something wrong, I can’t pretend I don’t hear her tone over the phone.

If I can offer one piece of unsolicited advice, it is this- reach out to that friend you haven’t spoken to in awhile. Reconnect with that friend from college who you lost touch with. Forgive that friend who pissed you off a while ago. Show compassion for the friend who is having a hard time. They will appreciate it; they need it. And you will be forever grateful you did it too.

The best of friends hide nothing. I’m so lucky to have mine. They have reached out to me and pulled me out of this hole; they have lifted me higher.

WTF is stopping you from connecting with a friend of yours?

Reframing Selfish

I don’t fly super often, but enough times a year that I barely pay attention to the safety procedures anymore before each flight (sorry Mom). I’ll glance up from time to time and count how many seats before my closest exit, but that’s pretty much it. The rest I have memorized, including this important reminder:

            Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.

How else are you supposed to help others when you’re passed out on the floor? Shouldn’t we take this same stance while not cruising at a high altitude? Doesn’t our well being come first? I ask this because lately I’ve heard myself say the word selfish a lot- “Am I being selfish? Is that a selfish thing to say?” Hoping that perhaps by asking, I can rid myself of the potential guilt from placing my mask on first.

Selfish isn’t a pretty word. It means that we are caring for our self without regard for others. But mindfully caring for ourselves and focusing on our own needs is simply demonstrating self-care. It’s reflective, healthy and important work. It’s staying intimately connected to what feels good and right in our bodies and minds, and following through. This has been the most powerful thing for me lately- finding something that feels good, and then DOING IT! Right now it’s running (I will admit, it’s still a little love/hate).

It’s the difference between “I’m working on myself” and “I need you to work on me.” It’s the difference between finding joy in an activity versus relying on the actions of others to make you happy. As long as we keep a healthy focus on ourselves while being compassionate towards others, we can safely replace the word selfish with self-care. And really, who wouldn’t want us to have a healthy relationship with ourselves? Anyone who says otherwise, is probably being selfish.

WTF is wrong with some self-care? I’m going to answer this time- Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The Dangers of Headphones

Lately I have been walking my dog Maple with my headphones in.  During a time of extreme anxiety and stress, I find that music quiets my never-ending train of thoughts. Muse is my artist of choice. It allows me to focus on walking and listening, rather than questioning and doubting.

Today, however, a woman named Francis interrupted my groove about 2 blocks from home. She jumped from her porch to come say hello to my pup, a common occurrence because he’s just so freaking cute. Rather than hurry off, Maple and I stayed to chat. I learned that she was a Vietnam vet, worked for 30 years in California as a licensed nurse, and had recently taken in a homeless family and called the children her own. Though blind in one eye, she knew I was beautiful due to my aura, or so she told me. She asked if she could pray for me while we stood on her sidewalk. Never one to turn down free support, I happily obliged. As she stared into my eyes and asked God to bless me with love, prosperity, health and happiness I couldn’t help but smile right back at her.  This eccentric stranger (who may or may not have had a few afternoon beers) had really touched my heart. She asked me to come by again with my dog so we could play cards on her porch.

It’s times like this that I remember how dangerous headphones can be. What a beautiful moment I would have missed otherwise. It was a gentle reminder that though I may be in a tough spot, serendipitous moments are always just around the corner.

WTF else have I missed?

If God laughs at our plans, should we even bother?

Today is a day filled with questions. I have no new insight, no answers, and no sense of peace. I’ve also stopped sleeping and eating like a normal person. I’m overwhelmed with the thoughts swirling in my brain.

My struggle is in the future- planning for it, preparing and anticipating the unforeseen challenges, and remaining grounded in my own dreams as I try to be flexible to whatever comes. How do we plan for the future, when so little is guaranteed? It begs the question of whether we should even plan. Being the daughter of two Virgos, I know this answer- Yes, I should plan.

If we don’t plan, how do we ensure that we are living purposeful, connected lives? How do we make sure we don’t just waste our time on Earth? But if we stick too rigidly to our plan, will we miss new opportunities? Will our blinders block out a better path? How do we strike a balance?

I wonder about timing too. If something is wrongly timed, do we deviate from our plan? Is this spontaneous or reckless? Or are we just recognizing that the plan needs to be adjusted?

I don’t know what is next for me. But I do know that *this* right now, this isn’t all that’s in store for me. I know I need to feel fulfilled by my relationships, career, dreams, and life. Otherwise, why are we here? Just to merely exist and take up air? NO WAY. I think and hope and pray and wish that my story is bigger than that.

One of my favorite new quotes:

“Listen- are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?”

-Mary Oliver, once again :)

WTF? W.T.F.