The Sound Bath

I’ve started my four month stint at a midwifery practice and birthing center in southern California and I couldn’t be happier. The women, the mission, they all just align with what I believe. It’s refreshing to find that a place like this exists in the world.

Today after my office shift, the founder and head “baby catcher” treated us to a sound bath. She had this gorgeous gong that she played in the lobby of the practice and we rested our heads and eyes and allowed the sound, vibrations, and mood wash over us. My mind wandered to both ideas that were real and fantasy. I imagined breathing underwater, standing atop mountains, and occasionally my to-do list popped up. Sometimes I thought nothing at all, barely even hearing the music as my mind almost left my surroundings. Twenty-five minutes later we emerged, with heavy eyes and a feeling of tingling within our bodies. We had been recalibrated.

What else could we experience if we let it wash over us? What else are we missing as we spend our lives calculating, planning, and rushing? Fighting back the tears and keeping our feelings at bay? I wonder sometimes what moments I missed in my early adulthood. I used to be so “by the book.” I didn’t deviate from the plan. But here I am, having spent a few years now deviating from all plans and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.

Old habits die hard though, and now I just have a new beautiful plan. Actually, I should say preferences. At the birth center, they are called a woman’s birth preferences, with the understanding that the course of labor will dictate which preferences can be accommodated and which cannot. Perhaps this is how we should live, with preferences rather than plans, allowing the flow of life to wash over us and just riding the waves.

The Dangers of Headphones

Lately I have been walking my dog Maple with my headphones in.  During a time of extreme anxiety and stress, I find that music quiets my never-ending train of thoughts. Muse is my artist of choice. It allows me to focus on walking and listening, rather than questioning and doubting.

Today, however, a woman named Francis interrupted my groove about 2 blocks from home. She jumped from her porch to come say hello to my pup, a common occurrence because he’s just so freaking cute. Rather than hurry off, Maple and I stayed to chat. I learned that she was a Vietnam vet, worked for 30 years in California as a licensed nurse, and had recently taken in a homeless family and called the children her own. Though blind in one eye, she knew I was beautiful due to my aura, or so she told me. She asked if she could pray for me while we stood on her sidewalk. Never one to turn down free support, I happily obliged. As she stared into my eyes and asked God to bless me with love, prosperity, health and happiness I couldn’t help but smile right back at her.  This eccentric stranger (who may or may not have had a few afternoon beers) had really touched my heart. She asked me to come by again with my dog so we could play cards on her porch.

It’s times like this that I remember how dangerous headphones can be. What a beautiful moment I would have missed otherwise. It was a gentle reminder that though I may be in a tough spot, serendipitous moments are always just around the corner.

WTF else have I missed?

Highs and lows

Occasionally I will ask my husband to tell me his highs and lows for the day.  Sometimes we struggle to find a low, some days all we have are lows. Over the course of our lifetime we will have both, and will probably average out to somewhere in the middle.  I’m finding there is so much to be joyful about when living right in the middle.

So much of my time and energy has been focused outwardly, searching for my “passion” or my “one thing.” And through all my searching I continued to feel negative, disappointed, and even stupid at times for not knowing what my next step was.  It took me awhile to realize that this was a low; a low longer than my usual ones and more uncertain and scary than I’ve experienced.  I decided to give in to my low and explore this new darkness. 

I tried out this uncertainty, thought about my fears, and talked through my insecurities.  It took some courage to say, “Hey, you’re unhappy and THAT’S OK! Let’s live here for awhile and learn something!” I gave myself permission to not have a passion.  I started being comfortable with not knowing, and telling others I didn’t know. I reached out to friends.  I cried, a lot.  I hugged my dog and took long walks. I found that as soon as I allowed myself to fully experience all that I was feeling, it wasn’t so scary.

There are a few quotes and lyrics that have been floating in and out of my mind lately:

"The pursuit of happiness is the source of all unhappiness."
- Quote from my Mom’s yoga class a few weeks ago

"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to realize that this too was a gift." -Mary Oliver

“Oh, but if you could, do you think you would
Trade it all, all the pain and suffering?
Oh, but then you would've missed the beauty of
The light upon this earth and the sweetness of the leaving

-Jane Siberry song “Calling All Angels”

Sometimes all we need is a shift in perspective, a cloud of darkness to pass before the sun can shine again. It is during our times of sadness that we can reflect, reach out, connect to loved ones, and prepare ourselves for the light. 

WTF is wrong with feeling low?!

Who's this person in the mirror?

I read a Humans of New York post that really resonated with me. A man spoke about happiness and compared it to a mixing board; each person’s definition of happiness is different depending on the configuration of their board. Each dial can represent something different: family, friendships, career, values and success. When I read this, I realized two things:

1.     My career dial is one of the biggest dials on my board because my intention is to live a life fully integrated with my career.

2.     My career dial is turned down SUPER L….O….W

For some people, the answer is to apply for a new job and get back on the job hunt.  For me though, it’s caused a bit of a quarter life (plus a few years!) crisis.

Since leaving my position as a public school teacher, I’ve struggled with my professional identity. When I left the job that I had trained myself to do for four years in college and four years in the classroom, I really had no idea what was next.  My job was so tied to my identity, in ways that weren’t even evident until I was out of the classroom. All I knew was what I didn’t want. 

Two years later, I’m still not sure where my path is heading. What do you do when the road you were journeying on is forced to take a detour, with no signs to get you back on your path? What happens when you no longer identify with who you were? Or who you thought you were? How do we cope with the major and unexpected shifts in our personal growth?

I sure as hell don’t have any answers yet. But I’m starting to feel more positive as I listen to my gut, follow new ideas, and allow things to develop naturally. Perhaps as I turn up the other dials of my mixing board, the next step will begin to unfold.

WTF is supposed to happen next?

*If you don’t know HONY and the amazing work Brandon is doing, go check it out: www.humansofnewyork.com