Skip The Small Talk

I’ve done some great work with my therapist during these past few weeks. I’m fortunate to have her and her insight. She’s validated my thoughts, questioned some of my beliefs, and given me renewed confidence in my sense of self. She hasn’t told me anything I didn’t already know, and that’s extremely encouraging. One of the topics we have spent significant time on is emotional intelligence.

I’ve always been a very emotional person; I have always self-identified as a crier which I have no shame about. :) But what I’ve learned is that my emotional side is not just about how I react to things, but how I react to others and how I connect with them. Looking back, I can see that my need for connection has driven the kinds of relationships I have had with friends and family. I don’t have a large number of friends, but those friendships I do have are extremely deep. I have a huge family, but really only talk and connect with a few. I lose touch with people who I do not find that ability to connect with, and I can get frustrated trying to converse on a deeper level with people who are not as emotionally aware.  These are recent understandings, but they are not new behaviors on my part.

Connecting with other people requires a really big scary step- the willingness to be vulnerable. That can be freaking scary as hell. Wearing your heart on your sleeve can be dangerous; people can take advantage of it and you can end up hurt. Do this too many times and pretty soon we are shutting off the most unique and beautiful part of ourselves.

“We stagger through our romantic, professional and social worlds with the goal merely of not crashing, never considering we might soar."

            -http://ideas.ted.com/how-to-turn-small-talk-into-smart-conversation/

Perhaps we don’t allow ourselves to connect with someone because we don’t think we deserve it. We are afraid of feeling inferior to someone that we are closely connected with. We think that perhaps by keeping some distance from others, we can preserve our own feelings and can “get out” more easily. Vulnerability and fear play a role in all of these scenarios, and rightfully so. Who isn’t afraid of being totally crushed?!

But that Ted quote references soaring. Soaring! What a concept. Not just living, not just existing, not just getting by. But taking a risk could result in the most amazing, fulfilling and connected life we could ever imagine. We can get there by tapping into our emotional intelligence. By recognizing and identifying our own emotions, we are better able to grasp others’. We can converse about our thoughts and feelings, and we can dive deeper. We can skip the small talk and show each other our souls. THAT sounds pretty amazing to me.

WTF is possibly better than sharing your soul?

Friendships

My college roommate (aka my “pretty kitty”) Brittany always quoted this line as one of her favorites:

            “Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher.”

                        -Oprah Winfrey

I didn’t really understand this when I met her my freshmen year at The College of New Jersey.  Back then, I was looking for my gaggle of girls to go to frat parties with on a Tuesday night, or someone to grab mac and cheese with at midnight.  My friends were a part of my life but more as avenues for fun and entertainment, rather than meaningful connections.

Now as a trek through all my uncertainty, it is my friends who have thrown out the lifeline and tried to save me. My family has been wonderful too, but they have a different lens. My friends are my friends through choice, and that willingness is what makes these relationships so special to me. They don’t *have* to help me, they want to. Each friend provides their own insight, with different layers of experience woven into their advice. Some friends have known me since childhood and remind me of where I came from, and how I’ve grown. Other friends are recently discovered kindred spirits, who have a fresh outlook without the baggage of history. Perhaps the most special are those who reach out unexpectedly, offering a perspective without any agenda to fix me. Regardless of our connection, their mission is the same- to provide love, support and encouragement.

True friends are incredible. They look at all your troubles, mistakes and flaws and love you anyway. They ask the tough questions. They allow you to be your ugliest, most candid self. They don’t accept your shit. Most importantly, they have always given me the space to truly experience all that I am feeling. They don’t dismiss my feelings, change them, or convince me otherwise. They give so much. But they also push me. My friends are my mirrors- they force me to face my truths and they don’t let me hide my flaws. I can’t ignore the face my best friend gives when I have done something wrong, I can’t pretend I don’t hear her tone over the phone.

If I can offer one piece of unsolicited advice, it is this- reach out to that friend you haven’t spoken to in awhile. Reconnect with that friend from college who you lost touch with. Forgive that friend who pissed you off a while ago. Show compassion for the friend who is having a hard time. They will appreciate it; they need it. And you will be forever grateful you did it too.

The best of friends hide nothing. I’m so lucky to have mine. They have reached out to me and pulled me out of this hole; they have lifted me higher.

WTF is stopping you from connecting with a friend of yours?