50 Stages Of Grief

As I am a witness to the changes in the lives of those around me, and the vast changes in my own life, I can see grief being displayed in a variety of ways. Some people cry- either softly to themselves, silently in the shower, or loudly while clinging to loved ones. Some people withdraw while some people want to be surrounded by those they trust. Some people seem perfectly normal, yet their minds swirl with questions and emotions. We forget how to smile; we forget what normal feels like.

We grieve the losses in our life. It doesn’t matter what kind of loss we are experiencing, or how it came about. It doesn’t matter whether we chose to quit a job, undersell that house we love yet can’t afford, or walk away from the relationship that is no longer working. We can choose it or it can choose us. A loss is a loss and the grief we feel after is real, deep and complicated.

I am grieving many losses right now. I’m grieving relationships, people changing and leaving my life, the loss of my old self, the loss of the image I thought I had in other people’s eyes. I’m grieving the ends of eras. While my future was uncertain, there was still some sort of answer to my questions; now there are even fewer answers. I’m grieving the loss of my answers, even if they weren’t the right answers.

I become paralyzed in my grief. I cry occasionally, usually really ugly crying privately in my house. I stop doing laundry, I stop wearing my contacts, and I stop wearing jeans. I decline eating out and prefer the comfort of my Lululemon pants. I eat comfort foods, watch Friends, and drink lots of red wine. I journal and blog. I share my feelings with a few people closest to me. I repeat my mantras.

I know that it will all pass. Until then, I’m accepting the various stages and shades of my grief. I’m facing the storm, finding my way through.

WTF are you grieving?

Comments Welcome!

I started my blog for me. I wanted to tell my story in a more permanent way, but never really had intentions of sharing it beyond a few close friends. However, it became apparent that sharing it was indeed the next step of my story. Since sharing it, I have received phone calls, emails and texts from friends and family either lending support or divulging their own stories. I have felt so honored to be trusted with these sentiments.

I feel that the next step in my blog is to create a space for readers to share their thoughts and feelings about particular posts. I ask myself many questions throughout this blog, and I try to leave the post with a question for you to ponder. My hope is that through my own thinking and processing, I can connect with the feelings of others and quietly remind them they are not alone. Sometimes knowing there is another person experiencing similar feelings is very validating, or so I have found.

If you wish to contribute to my story through your comments, I only ask that you write with compassion. We are all fighting our own fight. I hope that we can all connect with each other more and feel encouraged and loved through our own vulnerability. Let’s be brave together.

WTF do you want to share?

Skip The Small Talk

I’ve done some great work with my therapist during these past few weeks. I’m fortunate to have her and her insight. She’s validated my thoughts, questioned some of my beliefs, and given me renewed confidence in my sense of self. She hasn’t told me anything I didn’t already know, and that’s extremely encouraging. One of the topics we have spent significant time on is emotional intelligence.

I’ve always been a very emotional person; I have always self-identified as a crier which I have no shame about. :) But what I’ve learned is that my emotional side is not just about how I react to things, but how I react to others and how I connect with them. Looking back, I can see that my need for connection has driven the kinds of relationships I have had with friends and family. I don’t have a large number of friends, but those friendships I do have are extremely deep. I have a huge family, but really only talk and connect with a few. I lose touch with people who I do not find that ability to connect with, and I can get frustrated trying to converse on a deeper level with people who are not as emotionally aware.  These are recent understandings, but they are not new behaviors on my part.

Connecting with other people requires a really big scary step- the willingness to be vulnerable. That can be freaking scary as hell. Wearing your heart on your sleeve can be dangerous; people can take advantage of it and you can end up hurt. Do this too many times and pretty soon we are shutting off the most unique and beautiful part of ourselves.

“We stagger through our romantic, professional and social worlds with the goal merely of not crashing, never considering we might soar."

            -http://ideas.ted.com/how-to-turn-small-talk-into-smart-conversation/

Perhaps we don’t allow ourselves to connect with someone because we don’t think we deserve it. We are afraid of feeling inferior to someone that we are closely connected with. We think that perhaps by keeping some distance from others, we can preserve our own feelings and can “get out” more easily. Vulnerability and fear play a role in all of these scenarios, and rightfully so. Who isn’t afraid of being totally crushed?!

But that Ted quote references soaring. Soaring! What a concept. Not just living, not just existing, not just getting by. But taking a risk could result in the most amazing, fulfilling and connected life we could ever imagine. We can get there by tapping into our emotional intelligence. By recognizing and identifying our own emotions, we are better able to grasp others’. We can converse about our thoughts and feelings, and we can dive deeper. We can skip the small talk and show each other our souls. THAT sounds pretty amazing to me.

WTF is possibly better than sharing your soul?

Giving Thanks

Today as we gorge ourselves on amazing food, cheer for (or against, in my case) the Eagles and reconnect with family and friends we will be reminded of all the wonderful things in our lives. We will express gratitude towards our health, the loved ones surrounding us, and perhaps our fruitful careers. It’s easy to be thankful for all the positive parts of our lives; they bring us joy and fulfillment and make the bad parts feel not so bad. However, I am learning that it’s important to be grateful for the messy, ugly and painful parts of life too. It is in these moments that we are pushed to grow and evolve, and that is really something to be thankful for.

Here is what I am grateful for this Thanksgiving:

The deeply challenging and productive work I have been doing in therapy- my sense of self has never been stronger.

The courage to have conversations that really matter and the better understanding of the implications of such conversations- this is a recent discovery that I think my friend Lizzy would be very proud to hear. :)

My friends and family who have continued to accept me as I am.

The possibility of change and the fear and excitement that accompanies it.

The acceptance that not all things go according to our plans.

Small surprises and the joy they bring, even if fleeting.

My physical reaction to anxiety- while painful, it reminds me that I am here and present and living through my growth. On the contrary, when I am feeling great I know that I am doing something right.

My blog for being my heart on display- I am so grateful for the connections and conversations that have started from this space. I am so honored to have touched some of you with my story.

Lastly, I am grateful for this journey- in troubled times we learn how much we know, how deeply we care and how much strength we possess.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours <3

WTF are you thankful for?

Navigating Transitions

I received an email a few weeks ago from a skating friend and the title of the email was “Transitions.” My first assumption was that she had a question for me in regards to her program, an idea for skating, etc. What I found was so much better. She discussed transitions in life; how sometimes people will grow along with us and how sometimes we will need to leave them behind. Sometimes the best thing we need to do is acknowledge the relationship, and then move on. Because I had thought her email was originally going to be about skating transitions, I began to think more about this particular skating skill.

In skating, we strive to have difficult transitions between the elements in our students’ programs. We try to create varied and difficult steps that help demonstrate the strength of the skaters, the story behind the choreography, and of course to get as many points as possible. Over time, these transitions will still be difficult but will look effortless because of the skill of the skaters. Through hours of work, the partners learn how to navigate these transitions with ease. They strategize how to gain power and flow through their steps, yet maintain grace and elegance. They are intellectually, emotionally, and physically involved in the work they are creating. At some point, I wonder if I’m no longer talking about skating, but talking about life.

A partnership is an incredible thing- whether it be personal, professional, or in the sporting world. Partners share responsibility, they collaborate, and they work towards their common goal. They balance each other out, and pick up the slack for the other if need be. They consistently evaluate their progress and alter their action plan if they get off track. They lean on one another, give feedback, offer support, and expect that each day they will both put out their best effort. Teamwork is crucial; it is the beating heart between these two (or more) people.

As I have seen recently though, partnerships fail. When major factors no longer align, the reason for the partnership gets called into question. When partners are not bringing their best effort, frustration gets high. When partners are no longer responding to needs and requests, resentment grows. When the time put into creating those seamless transitions just results in pushing and pulling and a lack of growth, partners wonder if they lost sight of their goal; they wonder if they still want to continue. I believe this is important- we must check in with ourselves and ask, “Is this what I want? Is this working? Do I still want to go down this path?”

It is through these moments of reflection that the strength of the partnership either flourishes or fails. The partners determine whether they will continue to navigate these transitions together or apart. They must decide whether to push through and grow together, or acknowledge the relationship and move on.

WTF makes a great partnership?