The Family Birth
For most of my internship in CA, my phone volume was so high that it scared me. I was terrified of missing a call from a client or a midwife. Even when not on call for the birth center, I was often on call for my clients. I designated certain ringtones to these numbers so from afar, or even while in the shower, I could tell who was calling. Yes, my phone comes to the bathroom with me every time.
I hate being woken up when I don’t need to be up. I had to send quite a few texts and emails to family members while away to remind them about the time change and my strict obligations to my phone volume. So imagine the joy I felt when awoken by surprise on an early Monday morning, to a non-urgent ringtone, “Ugh, who the hell is calling me again so early?!” Shockingly, it was a California number and not my best friend Robyn (who operates before the sun). There were two laboring women at the center, and they needed extra hands.
When I arrived, I was surprised by the number of people connected to one laboring woman. To my recollection there was the husband, the doula, the soon to be grandmother and grandfather, the mother-in-law, and maybe a sister? I’ve lost count; most were not serving a role vital enough for me to remember. The laboring mother was struggling- crying between contractions, murmuring to her mother that she couldn’t do it, and not finding her groove. The midwives were discussing the lack of positive energy and the expectations they were feeling from the family. They even spoke to the family members telling them to not enter the birthing suite with their negative energy. There were too many questions, too many interruptions, too much worrying that something was wrong, and not enough faith. Ultimately, she ended up transferring to the hospital because she was stalling in her progress and dilation had remained unchanged for many hours. In my eyes, her will to push through the birth had stalled and she seemed more emotionally drained than physically.
Extra participants at a birth is an interesting topic. On one hand, our friends and family know us better than anyone else. They know what you want to hear, they know how you may want to be held or encouraged. Yet most adults are not familiar with birth. They do not know that the timeline of birth can be both long or short, and still be considered normal. They may enter with their own expectations, doubts, and anecdotes. In a world where everyone fears the worst scenario, they may search for things that are “wrong” or “abnormal” as a way to protect their loved one. Their intentions are good, but sometimes they can be counterproductive. The midwives at SCM says that each non-essential person at a birth extends the labor time by one hour. Sometimes the additional energy, whether it be positive or negative, can still impede progress.If the team isn’t committed to creating a positive vibe, they can place unnecessary pressure on the mother to make something happen, not realizing that sometimes the best way to make something happen, is to step back and let it go. (Perhaps this is true in many areas of life…)
On the flip side, I also had a client who's mother was instrumental in the success of the birth. She was just the right amount of involvement and encouragement that the laboring mother needed. She also had that magic touch of being able to get her to daughter to drink a smoothie that neither I or the husband could convince her to do. Most importantly, she was a huge fan of out-of-hospital births and I think brought her own positive experiences with her, and innately trusted the midwives too.
When in labor, the woman has to remain mentally dedicated to the task at hand; she has a job to do, and it doesn’t involve tending to anyone other than herself. Her mind needs to be on doing the work of labor and not being distracted or uncomfortable by someone unwanted in the room. Labor and birth is an intense and intimate time- you’re naked, bodily functions are out of control, fluids of all kinds are being lost, you’re making sounds you’ve never heard before...you’re working!! This is hard, amazing work and it requires rhythm and grit. It also requires everyone there to believe in the awesome power of this soon-to-be mama.