I'm Looking For The Answer

My friend called me late the other night saying this:

“I don’t know what to do. I’m looking for the answer.”

Oh honey, I can’t give it to you. You need to listen to yourself.  Your answer is in your gut, I told her. It’s that little voice that you hear first thing in the morning, or the last thing you hear at night. It’s that feeling you get, deep down without realizing it’s there. It’s not in your head or your heart; it’s what you feel in your soul. You will find your answer there, if you listen.

I reminded her of this sad fact of adulthood- sometimes we need to decide between what is right and what is easy. I hope she chooses what is right, for the easy choice will give her no satisfaction or relief. It will not take the weight off her shoulders; it will not make her happy. Her answer will not come from those around her; it will only come when she connects with herself.

My sweet friend was concerned about being selfish. She doesn’t want to make others mad, she doesn’t want to lose those important to her. My heart aches for her as she struggles, but I know that at the end of this struggle there is a magical moment where she learns that she is in control of her life. She learns that she can make decisions for herself. She learns that *this* moment right here is so important as she grows into the woman that she was meant to be.

I hope she makes the right decision, and not the easy one. I hope she listens to her gut. I hope she connects with herself and puts her own self-care first. I hope she knows I will love her and support her NO. MATTER. WHAT.

I hope too, that I listen to my own advice.

WTF is so hard about making the right decision? 

Friendships

My college roommate (aka my “pretty kitty”) Brittany always quoted this line as one of her favorites:

            “Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher.”

                        -Oprah Winfrey

I didn’t really understand this when I met her my freshmen year at The College of New Jersey.  Back then, I was looking for my gaggle of girls to go to frat parties with on a Tuesday night, or someone to grab mac and cheese with at midnight.  My friends were a part of my life but more as avenues for fun and entertainment, rather than meaningful connections.

Now as a trek through all my uncertainty, it is my friends who have thrown out the lifeline and tried to save me. My family has been wonderful too, but they have a different lens. My friends are my friends through choice, and that willingness is what makes these relationships so special to me. They don’t *have* to help me, they want to. Each friend provides their own insight, with different layers of experience woven into their advice. Some friends have known me since childhood and remind me of where I came from, and how I’ve grown. Other friends are recently discovered kindred spirits, who have a fresh outlook without the baggage of history. Perhaps the most special are those who reach out unexpectedly, offering a perspective without any agenda to fix me. Regardless of our connection, their mission is the same- to provide love, support and encouragement.

True friends are incredible. They look at all your troubles, mistakes and flaws and love you anyway. They ask the tough questions. They allow you to be your ugliest, most candid self. They don’t accept your shit. Most importantly, they have always given me the space to truly experience all that I am feeling. They don’t dismiss my feelings, change them, or convince me otherwise. They give so much. But they also push me. My friends are my mirrors- they force me to face my truths and they don’t let me hide my flaws. I can’t ignore the face my best friend gives when I have done something wrong, I can’t pretend I don’t hear her tone over the phone.

If I can offer one piece of unsolicited advice, it is this- reach out to that friend you haven’t spoken to in awhile. Reconnect with that friend from college who you lost touch with. Forgive that friend who pissed you off a while ago. Show compassion for the friend who is having a hard time. They will appreciate it; they need it. And you will be forever grateful you did it too.

The best of friends hide nothing. I’m so lucky to have mine. They have reached out to me and pulled me out of this hole; they have lifted me higher.

WTF is stopping you from connecting with a friend of yours?