Comments Welcome!

I started my blog for me. I wanted to tell my story in a more permanent way, but never really had intentions of sharing it beyond a few close friends. However, it became apparent that sharing it was indeed the next step of my story. Since sharing it, I have received phone calls, emails and texts from friends and family either lending support or divulging their own stories. I have felt so honored to be trusted with these sentiments.

I feel that the next step in my blog is to create a space for readers to share their thoughts and feelings about particular posts. I ask myself many questions throughout this blog, and I try to leave the post with a question for you to ponder. My hope is that through my own thinking and processing, I can connect with the feelings of others and quietly remind them they are not alone. Sometimes knowing there is another person experiencing similar feelings is very validating, or so I have found.

If you wish to contribute to my story through your comments, I only ask that you write with compassion. We are all fighting our own fight. I hope that we can all connect with each other more and feel encouraged and loved through our own vulnerability. Let’s be brave together.

WTF do you want to share?

Skip The Small Talk

I’ve done some great work with my therapist during these past few weeks. I’m fortunate to have her and her insight. She’s validated my thoughts, questioned some of my beliefs, and given me renewed confidence in my sense of self. She hasn’t told me anything I didn’t already know, and that’s extremely encouraging. One of the topics we have spent significant time on is emotional intelligence.

I’ve always been a very emotional person; I have always self-identified as a crier which I have no shame about. :) But what I’ve learned is that my emotional side is not just about how I react to things, but how I react to others and how I connect with them. Looking back, I can see that my need for connection has driven the kinds of relationships I have had with friends and family. I don’t have a large number of friends, but those friendships I do have are extremely deep. I have a huge family, but really only talk and connect with a few. I lose touch with people who I do not find that ability to connect with, and I can get frustrated trying to converse on a deeper level with people who are not as emotionally aware.  These are recent understandings, but they are not new behaviors on my part.

Connecting with other people requires a really big scary step- the willingness to be vulnerable. That can be freaking scary as hell. Wearing your heart on your sleeve can be dangerous; people can take advantage of it and you can end up hurt. Do this too many times and pretty soon we are shutting off the most unique and beautiful part of ourselves.

“We stagger through our romantic, professional and social worlds with the goal merely of not crashing, never considering we might soar."

            -http://ideas.ted.com/how-to-turn-small-talk-into-smart-conversation/

Perhaps we don’t allow ourselves to connect with someone because we don’t think we deserve it. We are afraid of feeling inferior to someone that we are closely connected with. We think that perhaps by keeping some distance from others, we can preserve our own feelings and can “get out” more easily. Vulnerability and fear play a role in all of these scenarios, and rightfully so. Who isn’t afraid of being totally crushed?!

But that Ted quote references soaring. Soaring! What a concept. Not just living, not just existing, not just getting by. But taking a risk could result in the most amazing, fulfilling and connected life we could ever imagine. We can get there by tapping into our emotional intelligence. By recognizing and identifying our own emotions, we are better able to grasp others’. We can converse about our thoughts and feelings, and we can dive deeper. We can skip the small talk and show each other our souls. THAT sounds pretty amazing to me.

WTF is possibly better than sharing your soul?

Giving Thanks

Today as we gorge ourselves on amazing food, cheer for (or against, in my case) the Eagles and reconnect with family and friends we will be reminded of all the wonderful things in our lives. We will express gratitude towards our health, the loved ones surrounding us, and perhaps our fruitful careers. It’s easy to be thankful for all the positive parts of our lives; they bring us joy and fulfillment and make the bad parts feel not so bad. However, I am learning that it’s important to be grateful for the messy, ugly and painful parts of life too. It is in these moments that we are pushed to grow and evolve, and that is really something to be thankful for.

Here is what I am grateful for this Thanksgiving:

The deeply challenging and productive work I have been doing in therapy- my sense of self has never been stronger.

The courage to have conversations that really matter and the better understanding of the implications of such conversations- this is a recent discovery that I think my friend Lizzy would be very proud to hear. :)

My friends and family who have continued to accept me as I am.

The possibility of change and the fear and excitement that accompanies it.

The acceptance that not all things go according to our plans.

Small surprises and the joy they bring, even if fleeting.

My physical reaction to anxiety- while painful, it reminds me that I am here and present and living through my growth. On the contrary, when I am feeling great I know that I am doing something right.

My blog for being my heart on display- I am so grateful for the connections and conversations that have started from this space. I am so honored to have touched some of you with my story.

Lastly, I am grateful for this journey- in troubled times we learn how much we know, how deeply we care and how much strength we possess.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours <3

WTF are you thankful for?

"They are numb"

Today’s conversation with my massage therapist:

S- “You’re so open it’s great! You’re so easy to work with. You’re a little tight here but that’s it- there’s nothing there.”

Me- “Wow, it feels tight to me. What do truly tight people feel?”

“Nothing, they are numb.”

“Oh, I see.”

“This is probably something you can't identify with because you are so open. But so much of our society teaches us not to feel pain, so we go numb and tight instead. It’s really sad.”

Such a simple exchange with such a strong message- it’s ok to feel openness, pain, hurt, and suffering. So many people may never feel anything, and how sad would that be? To not truly experience the highs and low of life, the agony and ecstasy, the peaks and valleys? I don’t plan on unpacking and living here, but I do plan on experiencing all that I feel right now, growing from it, breathing through it, and then moving past it.

This is nothing new or earth shattering. But it’s always helpful to have the reminder that what I am feeling is OK.

WTF can you be more open about?

Reframing Selfish

I don’t fly super often, but enough times a year that I barely pay attention to the safety procedures anymore before each flight (sorry Mom). I’ll glance up from time to time and count how many seats before my closest exit, but that’s pretty much it. The rest I have memorized, including this important reminder:

            Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.

How else are you supposed to help others when you’re passed out on the floor? Shouldn’t we take this same stance while not cruising at a high altitude? Doesn’t our well being come first? I ask this because lately I’ve heard myself say the word selfish a lot- “Am I being selfish? Is that a selfish thing to say?” Hoping that perhaps by asking, I can rid myself of the potential guilt from placing my mask on first.

Selfish isn’t a pretty word. It means that we are caring for our self without regard for others. But mindfully caring for ourselves and focusing on our own needs is simply demonstrating self-care. It’s reflective, healthy and important work. It’s staying intimately connected to what feels good and right in our bodies and minds, and following through. This has been the most powerful thing for me lately- finding something that feels good, and then DOING IT! Right now it’s running (I will admit, it’s still a little love/hate).

It’s the difference between “I’m working on myself” and “I need you to work on me.” It’s the difference between finding joy in an activity versus relying on the actions of others to make you happy. As long as we keep a healthy focus on ourselves while being compassionate towards others, we can safely replace the word selfish with self-care. And really, who wouldn’t want us to have a healthy relationship with ourselves? Anyone who says otherwise, is probably being selfish.

WTF is wrong with some self-care? I’m going to answer this time- Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

We're Only As Sick As Our Secrets

The other day I shared a photo on Instagram of a seemingly “basic” shot- cute sneakers, fall leaves, and a nice hot vanilla latte. My message was different though, yet it was simple- “I need help.”

I decided to be public about my need to reach out for therapy. Having been a Psychology major in school, I believed in therapy and had always wanted to go. But more importantly, I felt that I needed to share this information. I needed to tell others I wasn’t ok to help me accept this. I needed to shine light onto my darkness. I needed to not keep a secret.

            We’re only as sick as our secrets.

The secrets we keep, the stories we tell ourselves, they eat us up. They take up space in our hearts and minds and block us from moving forward. They hurt our souls and bring us guilt and shame. They make us feel broken, unworthy, and unlovable. We can hide them away inside us and let them fester and grow and build up until we feel like we’re choking on ourselves, or we can BREAK THEM FREE. We can shine a light on them, we can talk about them, and we can stare our fears and secrets right in the face. But we must decide to do that. We must be ready to try. We must be vulnerable, and a little scared too.

And we must be ready to let them go. Because ultimately, we are worthy of a life filled with light.

WTF is your secret?

Letting Go

I’ve been humming Frozen’s “Let It Go” this week.

I truly can’t stand the song since it’s so overplayed at the rink, but it’s really quite fitting.

I’m going out on a limb and starting a blog as I trudge through the freaking mess of my professional life. I used to be a NJ public school teacher and am now a self-employed figure skating coach.  The hours and flexibility are great but I’m looking for more.  And if one more person asks me what I want to do next, I’m going to scream.

In an effort to not pierce anyone’s eardrums, I’ve decided to give myself permission to let go of this pressure and just BE. It was a powerful moment when I decided to allow myself the freedom to explore. No longer do I have to bring home a permission slip to my parents and ask them to sign off on the weird film we’re going to watch in science class- now I have to do it.

So here it goes:

I’m letting go of my expectations.

I’m letting go of searching for my career.

I’m letting go of feeling trapped and scared.

I’m letting go of that beautiful Pinterest life that I secretly want.

I’m letting go of feeling insecure.

I give you, Adrienne, permission to breathe a little easier, experience more, and stress out less.

WTF are you holding on to?