I'm Looking For The Answer

My friend called me late the other night saying this:

“I don’t know what to do. I’m looking for the answer.”

Oh honey, I can’t give it to you. You need to listen to yourself.  Your answer is in your gut, I told her. It’s that little voice that you hear first thing in the morning, or the last thing you hear at night. It’s that feeling you get, deep down without realizing it’s there. It’s not in your head or your heart; it’s what you feel in your soul. You will find your answer there, if you listen.

I reminded her of this sad fact of adulthood- sometimes we need to decide between what is right and what is easy. I hope she chooses what is right, for the easy choice will give her no satisfaction or relief. It will not take the weight off her shoulders; it will not make her happy. Her answer will not come from those around her; it will only come when she connects with herself.

My sweet friend was concerned about being selfish. She doesn’t want to make others mad, she doesn’t want to lose those important to her. My heart aches for her as she struggles, but I know that at the end of this struggle there is a magical moment where she learns that she is in control of her life. She learns that she can make decisions for herself. She learns that *this* moment right here is so important as she grows into the woman that she was meant to be.

I hope she makes the right decision, and not the easy one. I hope she listens to her gut. I hope she connects with herself and puts her own self-care first. I hope she knows I will love her and support her NO. MATTER. WHAT.

I hope too, that I listen to my own advice.

WTF is so hard about making the right decision? 

Self-doubt

Doubting oneself might be the worst form of self-punishment.  It throws even the most centered, logical person into a space of turmoil and pain. Everything instantly becomes a question and an answer; nothing can solve the riddle.  It’s like quicksand- the more you struggle and search, the quicker it pulls you down.

I used to trust my gut. I used to think I knew myself and my wants, needs, dreams, and fears. What I thought was fact now seems like wild fiction. Things that were set now seem unstable. I feel as though suddenly the massive ship I was traveling on just changed to an inflatable raft, desperately trying to stay afloat in the midst of a gusty storm. I’m drowning in my desperation.

There’s a battle between my head, my heart and my gut. I’m trying to breathe deeply and search inward for clarity. I am trying to find comfort in silence and space. I overheard in my yoga class someone say, “You can breathe into your heart, but you cannot breathe into your mind.”

How in the world is your brain supposed to find relief?

WTF happened??