The Family Birth

For most of my internship in CA, my phone volume was so high that it scared me. I was terrified of missing a call from a client or a midwife. Even when not on call for the birth center, I was often on call for my clients. I designated certain ringtones to these numbers so from afar, or even while in the shower, I could tell who was calling. Yes, my phone comes to the bathroom with me every time.

I hate being woken up when I don’t need to be up. I had to send quite a few texts and emails to family members while away to remind them about the time change and my strict obligations to my phone volume. So imagine the joy I felt when awoken by surprise on an early Monday morning, to a non-urgent ringtone, “Ugh, who the hell is calling me again so early?!” Shockingly, it was a California number and not my best friend Robyn (who operates before the sun). There were two laboring women at the center, and they needed extra hands.

When I arrived, I was surprised by the number of people connected to one laboring woman. To my recollection there was the husband, the doula, the soon to be grandmother and grandfather, the mother-in-law, and maybe a sister? I’ve lost count; most were not serving a role vital enough for me to remember. The laboring mother was struggling- crying between contractions, murmuring to her mother that she couldn’t do it, and not finding her groove. The midwives were discussing the lack of positive energy and the expectations they were feeling from the family. They even spoke to the family members telling them to not enter the birthing suite with their negative energy.  There were too many questions, too many interruptions, too much worrying that something was wrong, and not enough faith. Ultimately, she ended up transferring to the hospital because she was stalling in her progress and dilation had remained unchanged for many hours. In my eyes, her will to push through the birth had stalled and she seemed more emotionally drained than physically.

Extra participants at a birth is an interesting topic. On one hand, our friends and family know us better than anyone else. They know what you want to hear, they know how you may want to be held or encouraged. Yet most adults are not familiar with birth. They do not know that the timeline of birth can be both long or short, and still be considered normal. They may enter with their own expectations, doubts, and anecdotes. In a world where everyone fears the worst scenario, they may search for things that are “wrong” or “abnormal” as a way to protect their loved one. Their intentions are good, but sometimes they can be counterproductive. The midwives at SCM says that each non-essential person at a birth extends the labor time by one hour. Sometimes the additional energy, whether it be positive or negative, can still impede progress.If the team isn’t committed to creating a positive vibe, they can place unnecessary pressure on the mother to make something happen, not realizing that sometimes the best way to make something happen, is to step back and let it go. (Perhaps this is true in many areas of life…)

On the flip side, I also had a client who's mother was instrumental in the success of the birth. She was just the right amount of involvement and encouragement that the laboring mother needed. She also had that magic touch of being able to get her to daughter to drink a smoothie that neither I or the husband could convince her to do. Most importantly, she was a huge fan of out-of-hospital births and I think brought her own positive experiences with her, and innately trusted the midwives too.

When in labor, the woman has to remain mentally dedicated to the task at hand; she has a job to do, and it doesn’t involve tending to anyone other than herself. Her mind needs to be on doing the work of labor and not being distracted or uncomfortable by someone unwanted in the room. Labor and birth is an intense and intimate time- you’re naked, bodily functions are out of control, fluids of all kinds are being lost, you’re making sounds you’ve never heard before...you’re working!! This is hard, amazing work and it requires rhythm and grit. It also requires everyone there to believe in the awesome power of this soon-to-be mama.

Time Is The Scarcest Resource

Before Thanksgiving, I had the chance to visit my brother Jake down in his new place in Washington D.C. My brother, albeit insanely intelligent and clever, is not my most lovey dovey family member (that’s my Dad!) However, people can surprise you and Jake provided some wonderful insight and thoughts into my ever-changing world. He made a particularly moving statement while we strolled the streets of DC:

            Time is the scarcest resource.

Which upon further research, I found the entire quote:

“Time is the scarcest resource and unless it is managed nothing else can be managed.”

–Peter Drucker

An interesting thought! Jake lives by this. He spends his time doing *exactly* what he wants, what he values, and what interests him. His goals drive his actions during the workday and in his free time. Of course, he told me, there is no need to be frantic with time; yes it is scarce, but it doesn’t need to cause alarm. Instead, Jake advocates for spending time being purposeful and efficient.  

As I said, Jake is not overly sentimental. He is very pragmatic and his outlook towards time reflects that. I do appreciate his view and agree. For me, I see the bigger picture of our time here on Earth; we never know how much time we have and therefore we should (within reason) spend it doing the things we love, with the people we cherish. Yes of course we will do things we don’t like, we will take classes we hate, and sit through movies we don’t like, or chat with people we find obnoxious, but the majority of our life’s momentum “should” be spent carrying out our greatest hopes and dreams.

My favorite Mary Oliver quote asks if we are breathing a little and calling it a life. This idea is so important to me- are we spending our days creating a beautiful and meaningful existence on this Earth? Are we using our time to leave this world a better place than the way we found it? Are we pushing ourselves to be our absolute best, and are we helping our friends/family/partner do the same?

WTF are you doing with your time?

Straight Into The Storm

When I was in Cleveland earlier this month, I did something I’ve never done before. I walked into a bar by myself, ordered a drink, and struck up a conversation with the guy next to me. My only goal was to be vulnerable, to sit somewhere by myself and try to connect with a stranger. Thankfully, the guy didn’t shoot me down and I ended up chatting with him and his friends, joining their bowling night, and had a great time. I walked away that night with a renewed sense of community and a great vibe for Cleveland. When you put yourself out there, there is no telling whom you might connect with.

Over the course of the night and the various conversations, we shared some stories about our lives, relationships and families. They were a pretty open and warm group and I instantly felt comfortable. One of the guys, Nick, shared a saying that resonated with me at this point in time:

            The cows walk right into the storm.

Whatever troubles we have, adversities we are facing, there is no other way to face them than head on. In order to truly confront them, deal with our strong emotions, and come out the other side a stronger individual, we must charge head on into the storm. We can try to ignore what we feel or mask it with something else. We can try to escape the storm but then we will simply be running from it. We will be operating from a place of fear rather than a place of strength and empowerment.

We must walk right into the storm. There is no other way.

WTF are you shying away from?

Giving Thanks

Today as we gorge ourselves on amazing food, cheer for (or against, in my case) the Eagles and reconnect with family and friends we will be reminded of all the wonderful things in our lives. We will express gratitude towards our health, the loved ones surrounding us, and perhaps our fruitful careers. It’s easy to be thankful for all the positive parts of our lives; they bring us joy and fulfillment and make the bad parts feel not so bad. However, I am learning that it’s important to be grateful for the messy, ugly and painful parts of life too. It is in these moments that we are pushed to grow and evolve, and that is really something to be thankful for.

Here is what I am grateful for this Thanksgiving:

The deeply challenging and productive work I have been doing in therapy- my sense of self has never been stronger.

The courage to have conversations that really matter and the better understanding of the implications of such conversations- this is a recent discovery that I think my friend Lizzy would be very proud to hear. :)

My friends and family who have continued to accept me as I am.

The possibility of change and the fear and excitement that accompanies it.

The acceptance that not all things go according to our plans.

Small surprises and the joy they bring, even if fleeting.

My physical reaction to anxiety- while painful, it reminds me that I am here and present and living through my growth. On the contrary, when I am feeling great I know that I am doing something right.

My blog for being my heart on display- I am so grateful for the connections and conversations that have started from this space. I am so honored to have touched some of you with my story.

Lastly, I am grateful for this journey- in troubled times we learn how much we know, how deeply we care and how much strength we possess.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours <3

WTF are you thankful for?

It's The End Of An Era

Today is the start of the Junior Short Dance at the 2016 Eastern Sectional Figure Skating Championships. Today my students should be on the ice, warming up their elements, adjusting their skate tape, and nervously sipping their water bottles. I should be there too- obsessively checking that I have their back up CDs, taking secret release breaths, and trying to find my 6th cup of coffee before noon. But we aren’t there. We are no longer what we used to be. It breaks my heart. But the show must go on.

It’s not about the skating though. To me, these students have been like children to me- I have cried with them, for them, and because of them. We have traveled together, laughed together, and argued together. We have made beautiful moments and triumphed over hardships. We have all learned how to communicate better, respect one another, and work alongside each other towards our common goal. We have become our own little family, and now we have fallen apart. It’s the end of an era.

Change is so difficult to cope with. So. Difficult. We try to manage our own change as we adjust accordingly to the change in others. We can’t predict how or where our changes will take us. We don’t know if others will follow or fall behind. Perhaps we will each take our own course and arrive at the same place. Other times we will find we’ve reached the end of our path alone. Maybe we hit a detour and are forced to move along a new path; maybe we hit a roadblock and must discover our own way out.

Whatever changes come for my students, I hope they greet them with open minds, flexibility and perseverance. I hope they will look back on their skating fondly and leave with wonderful memories, loyal friends, and some damn good twizzles.

WTF happens when it's all over?!

Reframing Selfish

I don’t fly super often, but enough times a year that I barely pay attention to the safety procedures anymore before each flight (sorry Mom). I’ll glance up from time to time and count how many seats before my closest exit, but that’s pretty much it. The rest I have memorized, including this important reminder:

            Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.

How else are you supposed to help others when you’re passed out on the floor? Shouldn’t we take this same stance while not cruising at a high altitude? Doesn’t our well being come first? I ask this because lately I’ve heard myself say the word selfish a lot- “Am I being selfish? Is that a selfish thing to say?” Hoping that perhaps by asking, I can rid myself of the potential guilt from placing my mask on first.

Selfish isn’t a pretty word. It means that we are caring for our self without regard for others. But mindfully caring for ourselves and focusing on our own needs is simply demonstrating self-care. It’s reflective, healthy and important work. It’s staying intimately connected to what feels good and right in our bodies and minds, and following through. This has been the most powerful thing for me lately- finding something that feels good, and then DOING IT! Right now it’s running (I will admit, it’s still a little love/hate).

It’s the difference between “I’m working on myself” and “I need you to work on me.” It’s the difference between finding joy in an activity versus relying on the actions of others to make you happy. As long as we keep a healthy focus on ourselves while being compassionate towards others, we can safely replace the word selfish with self-care. And really, who wouldn’t want us to have a healthy relationship with ourselves? Anyone who says otherwise, is probably being selfish.

WTF is wrong with some self-care? I’m going to answer this time- Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The Dangers of Headphones

Lately I have been walking my dog Maple with my headphones in.  During a time of extreme anxiety and stress, I find that music quiets my never-ending train of thoughts. Muse is my artist of choice. It allows me to focus on walking and listening, rather than questioning and doubting.

Today, however, a woman named Francis interrupted my groove about 2 blocks from home. She jumped from her porch to come say hello to my pup, a common occurrence because he’s just so freaking cute. Rather than hurry off, Maple and I stayed to chat. I learned that she was a Vietnam vet, worked for 30 years in California as a licensed nurse, and had recently taken in a homeless family and called the children her own. Though blind in one eye, she knew I was beautiful due to my aura, or so she told me. She asked if she could pray for me while we stood on her sidewalk. Never one to turn down free support, I happily obliged. As she stared into my eyes and asked God to bless me with love, prosperity, health and happiness I couldn’t help but smile right back at her.  This eccentric stranger (who may or may not have had a few afternoon beers) had really touched my heart. She asked me to come by again with my dog so we could play cards on her porch.

It’s times like this that I remember how dangerous headphones can be. What a beautiful moment I would have missed otherwise. It was a gentle reminder that though I may be in a tough spot, serendipitous moments are always just around the corner.

WTF else have I missed?

Self-doubt

Doubting oneself might be the worst form of self-punishment.  It throws even the most centered, logical person into a space of turmoil and pain. Everything instantly becomes a question and an answer; nothing can solve the riddle.  It’s like quicksand- the more you struggle and search, the quicker it pulls you down.

I used to trust my gut. I used to think I knew myself and my wants, needs, dreams, and fears. What I thought was fact now seems like wild fiction. Things that were set now seem unstable. I feel as though suddenly the massive ship I was traveling on just changed to an inflatable raft, desperately trying to stay afloat in the midst of a gusty storm. I’m drowning in my desperation.

There’s a battle between my head, my heart and my gut. I’m trying to breathe deeply and search inward for clarity. I am trying to find comfort in silence and space. I overheard in my yoga class someone say, “You can breathe into your heart, but you cannot breathe into your mind.”

How in the world is your brain supposed to find relief?

WTF happened??

If God laughs at our plans, should we even bother?

Today is a day filled with questions. I have no new insight, no answers, and no sense of peace. I’ve also stopped sleeping and eating like a normal person. I’m overwhelmed with the thoughts swirling in my brain.

My struggle is in the future- planning for it, preparing and anticipating the unforeseen challenges, and remaining grounded in my own dreams as I try to be flexible to whatever comes. How do we plan for the future, when so little is guaranteed? It begs the question of whether we should even plan. Being the daughter of two Virgos, I know this answer- Yes, I should plan.

If we don’t plan, how do we ensure that we are living purposeful, connected lives? How do we make sure we don’t just waste our time on Earth? But if we stick too rigidly to our plan, will we miss new opportunities? Will our blinders block out a better path? How do we strike a balance?

I wonder about timing too. If something is wrongly timed, do we deviate from our plan? Is this spontaneous or reckless? Or are we just recognizing that the plan needs to be adjusted?

I don’t know what is next for me. But I do know that *this* right now, this isn’t all that’s in store for me. I know I need to feel fulfilled by my relationships, career, dreams, and life. Otherwise, why are we here? Just to merely exist and take up air? NO WAY. I think and hope and pray and wish that my story is bigger than that.

One of my favorite new quotes:

“Listen- are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?”

-Mary Oliver, once again :)

WTF? W.T.F.

Who's this person in the mirror?

I read a Humans of New York post that really resonated with me. A man spoke about happiness and compared it to a mixing board; each person’s definition of happiness is different depending on the configuration of their board. Each dial can represent something different: family, friendships, career, values and success. When I read this, I realized two things:

1.     My career dial is one of the biggest dials on my board because my intention is to live a life fully integrated with my career.

2.     My career dial is turned down SUPER L….O….W

For some people, the answer is to apply for a new job and get back on the job hunt.  For me though, it’s caused a bit of a quarter life (plus a few years!) crisis.

Since leaving my position as a public school teacher, I’ve struggled with my professional identity. When I left the job that I had trained myself to do for four years in college and four years in the classroom, I really had no idea what was next.  My job was so tied to my identity, in ways that weren’t even evident until I was out of the classroom. All I knew was what I didn’t want. 

Two years later, I’m still not sure where my path is heading. What do you do when the road you were journeying on is forced to take a detour, with no signs to get you back on your path? What happens when you no longer identify with who you were? Or who you thought you were? How do we cope with the major and unexpected shifts in our personal growth?

I sure as hell don’t have any answers yet. But I’m starting to feel more positive as I listen to my gut, follow new ideas, and allow things to develop naturally. Perhaps as I turn up the other dials of my mixing board, the next step will begin to unfold.

WTF is supposed to happen next?

*If you don’t know HONY and the amazing work Brandon is doing, go check it out: www.humansofnewyork.com