The Only Way Out Is Through

When I was in high school, I used to have what I would call “stress attacks.” My heart would skip beats and begin to race and I would have chest pain. It happened frequently- on the ice, walking around my home, and sometimes while driving. At 16 years old my mom took me to the cardiologist, and he noted I was one of his youngest patients. Stress tests, heart monitors, and EKGs showed nothing, and I was told it was stress related. Eventually my career as a national level figure skater ended, as did the majority of my stress attacks.

Now, my anxiety has returned yet it’s not the same. My body feels foreign to me; my legs and arms are heavy, my hands and feet are cold, there’s a weight on my chest, and my vision feels extra HD. I feel so much and so little at the same time. At the blink of an eye I can feel a wave of pain and heaviness pass over me, and then a moment later I feel light again. Through this entire unknown, my brain is quiet. It’s like all of my thoughts are swallowed up and pushed down into my frame and I carry it as weight. I carry it on to the ice, into my car, and up the hills of Manayunk.

There is no moral to this post; there is no pretty ending. Today I just want to share where I am. I want to reach out to anyone else who has anxiety and tell them that I understand. I’m here with you in this period of instability. I feel for you, and I feel with you too.

The only way out is through.

WTF can I do to feel better again?

The Dangers of Headphones

Lately I have been walking my dog Maple with my headphones in.  During a time of extreme anxiety and stress, I find that music quiets my never-ending train of thoughts. Muse is my artist of choice. It allows me to focus on walking and listening, rather than questioning and doubting.

Today, however, a woman named Francis interrupted my groove about 2 blocks from home. She jumped from her porch to come say hello to my pup, a common occurrence because he’s just so freaking cute. Rather than hurry off, Maple and I stayed to chat. I learned that she was a Vietnam vet, worked for 30 years in California as a licensed nurse, and had recently taken in a homeless family and called the children her own. Though blind in one eye, she knew I was beautiful due to my aura, or so she told me. She asked if she could pray for me while we stood on her sidewalk. Never one to turn down free support, I happily obliged. As she stared into my eyes and asked God to bless me with love, prosperity, health and happiness I couldn’t help but smile right back at her.  This eccentric stranger (who may or may not have had a few afternoon beers) had really touched my heart. She asked me to come by again with my dog so we could play cards on her porch.

It’s times like this that I remember how dangerous headphones can be. What a beautiful moment I would have missed otherwise. It was a gentle reminder that though I may be in a tough spot, serendipitous moments are always just around the corner.

WTF else have I missed?