We're Only As Sick As Our Secrets

The other day I shared a photo on Instagram of a seemingly “basic” shot- cute sneakers, fall leaves, and a nice hot vanilla latte. My message was different though, yet it was simple- “I need help.”

I decided to be public about my need to reach out for therapy. Having been a Psychology major in school, I believed in therapy and had always wanted to go. But more importantly, I felt that I needed to share this information. I needed to tell others I wasn’t ok to help me accept this. I needed to shine light onto my darkness. I needed to not keep a secret.

            We’re only as sick as our secrets.

The secrets we keep, the stories we tell ourselves, they eat us up. They take up space in our hearts and minds and block us from moving forward. They hurt our souls and bring us guilt and shame. They make us feel broken, unworthy, and unlovable. We can hide them away inside us and let them fester and grow and build up until we feel like we’re choking on ourselves, or we can BREAK THEM FREE. We can shine a light on them, we can talk about them, and we can stare our fears and secrets right in the face. But we must decide to do that. We must be ready to try. We must be vulnerable, and a little scared too.

And we must be ready to let them go. Because ultimately, we are worthy of a life filled with light.

WTF is your secret?

Self-doubt

Doubting oneself might be the worst form of self-punishment.  It throws even the most centered, logical person into a space of turmoil and pain. Everything instantly becomes a question and an answer; nothing can solve the riddle.  It’s like quicksand- the more you struggle and search, the quicker it pulls you down.

I used to trust my gut. I used to think I knew myself and my wants, needs, dreams, and fears. What I thought was fact now seems like wild fiction. Things that were set now seem unstable. I feel as though suddenly the massive ship I was traveling on just changed to an inflatable raft, desperately trying to stay afloat in the midst of a gusty storm. I’m drowning in my desperation.

There’s a battle between my head, my heart and my gut. I’m trying to breathe deeply and search inward for clarity. I am trying to find comfort in silence and space. I overheard in my yoga class someone say, “You can breathe into your heart, but you cannot breathe into your mind.”

How in the world is your brain supposed to find relief?

WTF happened??

Highs and lows

Occasionally I will ask my husband to tell me his highs and lows for the day.  Sometimes we struggle to find a low, some days all we have are lows. Over the course of our lifetime we will have both, and will probably average out to somewhere in the middle.  I’m finding there is so much to be joyful about when living right in the middle.

So much of my time and energy has been focused outwardly, searching for my “passion” or my “one thing.” And through all my searching I continued to feel negative, disappointed, and even stupid at times for not knowing what my next step was.  It took me awhile to realize that this was a low; a low longer than my usual ones and more uncertain and scary than I’ve experienced.  I decided to give in to my low and explore this new darkness. 

I tried out this uncertainty, thought about my fears, and talked through my insecurities.  It took some courage to say, “Hey, you’re unhappy and THAT’S OK! Let’s live here for awhile and learn something!” I gave myself permission to not have a passion.  I started being comfortable with not knowing, and telling others I didn’t know. I reached out to friends.  I cried, a lot.  I hugged my dog and took long walks. I found that as soon as I allowed myself to fully experience all that I was feeling, it wasn’t so scary.

There are a few quotes and lyrics that have been floating in and out of my mind lately:

"The pursuit of happiness is the source of all unhappiness."
- Quote from my Mom’s yoga class a few weeks ago

"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to realize that this too was a gift." -Mary Oliver

“Oh, but if you could, do you think you would
Trade it all, all the pain and suffering?
Oh, but then you would've missed the beauty of
The light upon this earth and the sweetness of the leaving

-Jane Siberry song “Calling All Angels”

Sometimes all we need is a shift in perspective, a cloud of darkness to pass before the sun can shine again. It is during our times of sadness that we can reflect, reach out, connect to loved ones, and prepare ourselves for the light. 

WTF is wrong with feeling low?!