The Family Birth

For most of my internship in CA, my phone volume was so high that it scared me. I was terrified of missing a call from a client or a midwife. Even when not on call for the birth center, I was often on call for my clients. I designated certain ringtones to these numbers so from afar, or even while in the shower, I could tell who was calling. Yes, my phone comes to the bathroom with me every time.

I hate being woken up when I don’t need to be up. I had to send quite a few texts and emails to family members while away to remind them about the time change and my strict obligations to my phone volume. So imagine the joy I felt when awoken by surprise on an early Monday morning, to a non-urgent ringtone, “Ugh, who the hell is calling me again so early?!” Shockingly, it was a California number and not my best friend Robyn (who operates before the sun). There were two laboring women at the center, and they needed extra hands.

When I arrived, I was surprised by the number of people connected to one laboring woman. To my recollection there was the husband, the doula, the soon to be grandmother and grandfather, the mother-in-law, and maybe a sister? I’ve lost count; most were not serving a role vital enough for me to remember. The laboring mother was struggling- crying between contractions, murmuring to her mother that she couldn’t do it, and not finding her groove. The midwives were discussing the lack of positive energy and the expectations they were feeling from the family. They even spoke to the family members telling them to not enter the birthing suite with their negative energy.  There were too many questions, too many interruptions, too much worrying that something was wrong, and not enough faith. Ultimately, she ended up transferring to the hospital because she was stalling in her progress and dilation had remained unchanged for many hours. In my eyes, her will to push through the birth had stalled and she seemed more emotionally drained than physically.

Extra participants at a birth is an interesting topic. On one hand, our friends and family know us better than anyone else. They know what you want to hear, they know how you may want to be held or encouraged. Yet most adults are not familiar with birth. They do not know that the timeline of birth can be both long or short, and still be considered normal. They may enter with their own expectations, doubts, and anecdotes. In a world where everyone fears the worst scenario, they may search for things that are “wrong” or “abnormal” as a way to protect their loved one. Their intentions are good, but sometimes they can be counterproductive. The midwives at SCM says that each non-essential person at a birth extends the labor time by one hour. Sometimes the additional energy, whether it be positive or negative, can still impede progress.If the team isn’t committed to creating a positive vibe, they can place unnecessary pressure on the mother to make something happen, not realizing that sometimes the best way to make something happen, is to step back and let it go. (Perhaps this is true in many areas of life…)

On the flip side, I also had a client who's mother was instrumental in the success of the birth. She was just the right amount of involvement and encouragement that the laboring mother needed. She also had that magic touch of being able to get her to daughter to drink a smoothie that neither I or the husband could convince her to do. Most importantly, she was a huge fan of out-of-hospital births and I think brought her own positive experiences with her, and innately trusted the midwives too.

When in labor, the woman has to remain mentally dedicated to the task at hand; she has a job to do, and it doesn’t involve tending to anyone other than herself. Her mind needs to be on doing the work of labor and not being distracted or uncomfortable by someone unwanted in the room. Labor and birth is an intense and intimate time- you’re naked, bodily functions are out of control, fluids of all kinds are being lost, you’re making sounds you’ve never heard before...you’re working!! This is hard, amazing work and it requires rhythm and grit. It also requires everyone there to believe in the awesome power of this soon-to-be mama.

Something Bigger

My official journey to nursing school began in the Summer of 2016. I had hit a major turning point that summer; I had lost a few clients, was about to lose a few more, and was staring at the bleak realization of not making rent. I decided that I never wanted to feel that way again- like one or two clients could take me down, that all my “eggs were in one basket,” and that at anytime it could all drop out from under me. Being self-employed, these were all real possibilities even for those who try to plan ahead. I needed to make a big change.

One evening, my girlfriends and I were having a night at my friend Helen’s house. Helen has the loveliest cat (the only one I’d ever say that about), but I’m terribly allergic. As I struggled to get my allergies under control and take some benadryl, I cried out in anguish, “Damn my histamines!” My friend Liz, who is a nurse like Helen too, asked me, “Are you sure you don’t want to be a nurse?” My reply, completely off the cuff and with no hesitation was:

“Actually, if I was a nurse I would be a Labor & Delivery nurse.”

There, in the midst of sneezing and snot, I stated the answer to the agonizing question of WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE?! Randomly, uninhibited, instinctive. Yet when I said it, and when I later shared it with others, no one was surprised. I had finally uncovered something that had been ignored for quite some time.

Yet this time when considering nursing school, because I had in the past, it was different. I was ready to go back into the classroom, sit amongst kids I didn’t know, and try to take the science classes that had once scared me. Once I started, I never even considered turning back. The more I dove into my prerequisite classes, the hungrier I became. I started researching schools in Philadelphia, and then later I expanded my search. I investigated The University of Maryland, Johns Hopkins, Columbia, and NYU. I thought about accelerated BSN programs versus Direct-Entry MSN programs. I met with alum, spoke to professors, and started as a research assistant to a PhD candidate. It began to energize me. I started to have hope in myself and what I was capable of.

After learning the power of manifestation, I wrote down on post-its all the names of the schools I was applying for admission. I stuck these notes around my apartment and everytime I looked at one, I touched it carefully and paused, thanking the world for getting me into those schools. Mind you, I hadn’t even sent in one application yet, but I knew it was coming. It was going to pay off.

This past fall I finally applied. I'm thankful for my year of exploration because ultimately, I only applied to Philadelphia schools. Sure, it was easier to stay home. Yes, it was smarter in regards to cost of living. Of course, I wanted my friends and family nearby. But frankly, I just wasn’t done with this city yet. It had just become my home and I wasn’t ready to leave. Like all decisions, it had to be for my reasons, whatever they ended up being. I applied to the accelerated BSN programs at Thomas Jefferson University and The University of Pennsylvania, knowing in my head I would most likely go to Jefferson. My gut told me I could get into both, but my head knew that Jeff was the smarter choice. I got into Jefferson in November and was so thrilled! I was finally going to be a nurse.

And then, I was accepted to Penn.

While I had manifested this for over a year, I was still shocked. How could *I* have gotten into an Ivy League school? The girl who had always placed skating first, who took the lighter workload during high school, who picked her college based off of proximity to the rink...how could she have gotten into Penn?? I’ll be honest, I have always felt my strengths lie outside the classroom. My father has always told me I have an old soul, and innately I gravitate towards children, feeling as though I can understand them better than adults sometimes. My empathetic ear has been my greatest asset as a friend, not my ability to recall historical facts or launch into political debates. Even as a teacher, I always emphasized social skills in my classroom. My brother was the brainy child, and I was the emotional one. Just ask my parents.

Yet, I opened that email and started shaking with shock. Pardon my language, but I fucking did it. I accomplished something so much bigger than I had ever thought I could do. Five minutes later though, I started to cry, knowing I would have to say no. Suddenly and irrationally, I wanted the name of Penn on my resume. I wanted to say, “I graduated from Penn.” Everything rational about my process from the last year and a half went down the drain. I knew the reasons not to go: price and duration of the program were the biggest factors. But that was too logical for me; I just couldn’t latch on to those being MY reasons.

Remember, I’m the emotional one. I needed to feel the reason in my heart. And one average day after my acceptance email, I felt it. My journey wasn’t about getting into Penn, it was about finding my calling. It was about finding something I am so. crazy. passionate about. I didn’t actually need to be a Penn student, I needed something bigger. It was about creating something bigger for myself, for women, and ultimately for the world of childbirth. And when I felt that, I knew it didn’t matter if I said no. I knew I was going to get my nursing degree and I was going to accomplish the goals I had set for myself. I am proud to have been accepted to Penn, but maybe even a little more proud to know it wasn’t the place for me.

The Sound Bath

I’ve started my four month stint at a midwifery practice and birthing center in southern California and I couldn’t be happier. The women, the mission, they all just align with what I believe. It’s refreshing to find that a place like this exists in the world.

Today after my office shift, the founder and head “baby catcher” treated us to a sound bath. She had this gorgeous gong that she played in the lobby of the practice and we rested our heads and eyes and allowed the sound, vibrations, and mood wash over us. My mind wandered to both ideas that were real and fantasy. I imagined breathing underwater, standing atop mountains, and occasionally my to-do list popped up. Sometimes I thought nothing at all, barely even hearing the music as my mind almost left my surroundings. Twenty-five minutes later we emerged, with heavy eyes and a feeling of tingling within our bodies. We had been recalibrated.

What else could we experience if we let it wash over us? What else are we missing as we spend our lives calculating, planning, and rushing? Fighting back the tears and keeping our feelings at bay? I wonder sometimes what moments I missed in my early adulthood. I used to be so “by the book.” I didn’t deviate from the plan. But here I am, having spent a few years now deviating from all plans and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.

Old habits die hard though, and now I just have a new beautiful plan. Actually, I should say preferences. At the birth center, they are called a woman’s birth preferences, with the understanding that the course of labor will dictate which preferences can be accommodated and which cannot. Perhaps this is how we should live, with preferences rather than plans, allowing the flow of life to wash over us and just riding the waves.

Hi, my name is Adrienne.

After that last post I felt like I should reintroduce myself. I achieved the "well-defined" seal of approval from myself (and my therapist!) and I'd like to share who I am and what I am doing:

I am a person who lives by my intuition. If it doesn't feel right, then it's not right for me.

I value compassion, trust, and honesty.

I have deep relationships with just a handful of people. I've never been one for large groups of friends. Give me a bottle of wine and one good friend and that's my best evening.

I have been accepted to nursing school and will be starting this coming spring. I've never been so excited to go back and learn something that I feel I am meant to do.

I am living one of my dreams to be a true city dweller, now living downtown in Philadelphia in a gorgeous neighborhood.

Figure skating will always be my first love, but I am looking forward to a life outside of the sport soon. I know and have accepted that we can have many talents, but they don't have to be our full-time job if we don't want them to be. "Just because we can, doesn't mean we should."

I made the decision to get a divorce after less than 2 years of marriage; it changed my life for the better and helped create the person I am today.

I cry when I listen to Rachmaninov. Shit, I cry for a lot of beautiful things.

I dabble in photography, something I learned back in highschool, and am just getting the confidence to maybe show some of my photos on Instagram. (That’s pretty noncommittal.)

I made the decision to leave coaching earlier than my nursing school start and am completing a doula training program in Irvine, CA. I am so excited to take an opportunity that frankly, is the least planned idea I've ever had.

I have been dating the kindest, most gentle person I have ever known- Tom. He has shown me the power unleashed from a true partnership.

I am far more introverted than I was in the past. I need time to recharge after family functions or even outings with friends, generally recharging by myself yields the best results. If left to my own devices, I probably could go a LONG time without seeing people I know.

I am 30 years old, and not afraid of the unknown anymore. Actually, I welcome it.

Things I'm Learning

Don’t play games, don’t let someone else steer your relationship, don’t put the ball in their court.

I used to think that I needed to let someone else set the pace so I wasn’t “that girl” who pushes things too quickly/intensely. However, when we don’t take charge and move along according to our own desires, we run the risk of losing our voice in the relationship. Make the calls and send the texts yourself, otherwise you might end up going down a path you didn’t really decide upon. We should be active, loving participants in our relationships, not just bystanders.

Have the tough, meaningful conversations at the start and connect on these big adult issues.

I didn’t do this. Now, I feel like I can’t stress this enough. I’m even trying to implement this in my friendships. If they can’t handle talking about the future in a real way, then they don’t belong in yours. We don’t have to agree, but it’s so important to find a path together and work towards a common goal. Differences may attract, but the way in which we tackle obstacles should be complementary.

Settle for nothing. Seek romance, intimacy, and partnership because you deserve it.

OK, perfection doesn’t exist. I think the word should be deleted from the dictionary. There is no perfect person for us; I’ve always believed that there are many people who could be our match. However, there is someone for each of us who stimulates our minds, who pushes us to be our most awesome selves, and who is ready to buckle up together for the journey of life. I believe everyone can find that awesome partner who wants to make a beautiful life together.

WTF have you learned?

If God laughs at our plans, should we even bother?

Today is a day filled with questions. I have no new insight, no answers, and no sense of peace. I’ve also stopped sleeping and eating like a normal person. I’m overwhelmed with the thoughts swirling in my brain.

My struggle is in the future- planning for it, preparing and anticipating the unforeseen challenges, and remaining grounded in my own dreams as I try to be flexible to whatever comes. How do we plan for the future, when so little is guaranteed? It begs the question of whether we should even plan. Being the daughter of two Virgos, I know this answer- Yes, I should plan.

If we don’t plan, how do we ensure that we are living purposeful, connected lives? How do we make sure we don’t just waste our time on Earth? But if we stick too rigidly to our plan, will we miss new opportunities? Will our blinders block out a better path? How do we strike a balance?

I wonder about timing too. If something is wrongly timed, do we deviate from our plan? Is this spontaneous or reckless? Or are we just recognizing that the plan needs to be adjusted?

I don’t know what is next for me. But I do know that *this* right now, this isn’t all that’s in store for me. I know I need to feel fulfilled by my relationships, career, dreams, and life. Otherwise, why are we here? Just to merely exist and take up air? NO WAY. I think and hope and pray and wish that my story is bigger than that.

One of my favorite new quotes:

“Listen- are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?”

-Mary Oliver, once again :)

WTF? W.T.F.