Skip The Small Talk
I’ve done some great work with my therapist during these past few weeks. I’m fortunate to have her and her insight. She’s validated my thoughts, questioned some of my beliefs, and given me renewed confidence in my sense of self. She hasn’t told me anything I didn’t already know, and that’s extremely encouraging. One of the topics we have spent significant time on is emotional intelligence.
I’ve always been a very emotional person; I have always self-identified as a crier which I have no shame about. :) But what I’ve learned is that my emotional side is not just about how I react to things, but how I react to others and how I connect with them. Looking back, I can see that my need for connection has driven the kinds of relationships I have had with friends and family. I don’t have a large number of friends, but those friendships I do have are extremely deep. I have a huge family, but really only talk and connect with a few. I lose touch with people who I do not find that ability to connect with, and I can get frustrated trying to converse on a deeper level with people who are not as emotionally aware. These are recent understandings, but they are not new behaviors on my part.
Connecting with other people requires a really big scary step- the willingness to be vulnerable. That can be freaking scary as hell. Wearing your heart on your sleeve can be dangerous; people can take advantage of it and you can end up hurt. Do this too many times and pretty soon we are shutting off the most unique and beautiful part of ourselves.
“We stagger through our romantic, professional and social worlds with the goal merely of not crashing, never considering we might soar."
-http://ideas.ted.com/how-to-turn-small-talk-into-smart-conversation/
Perhaps we don’t allow ourselves to connect with someone because we don’t think we deserve it. We are afraid of feeling inferior to someone that we are closely connected with. We think that perhaps by keeping some distance from others, we can preserve our own feelings and can “get out” more easily. Vulnerability and fear play a role in all of these scenarios, and rightfully so. Who isn’t afraid of being totally crushed?!
But that Ted quote references soaring. Soaring! What a concept. Not just living, not just existing, not just getting by. But taking a risk could result in the most amazing, fulfilling and connected life we could ever imagine. We can get there by tapping into our emotional intelligence. By recognizing and identifying our own emotions, we are better able to grasp others’. We can converse about our thoughts and feelings, and we can dive deeper. We can skip the small talk and show each other our souls. THAT sounds pretty amazing to me.
WTF is possibly better than sharing your soul?