Today is a day filled with questions. I have no new insight, no answers, and no sense of peace. I’ve also stopped sleeping and eating like a normal person. I’m overwhelmed with the thoughts swirling in my brain.

My struggle is in the future- planning for it, preparing and anticipating the unforeseen challenges, and remaining grounded in my own dreams as I try to be flexible to whatever comes. How do we plan for the future, when so little is guaranteed? It begs the question of whether we should even plan. Being the daughter of two Virgos, I know this answer- Yes, I should plan.

If we don’t plan, how do we ensure that we are living purposeful, connected lives? How do we make sure we don’t just waste our time on Earth? But if we stick too rigidly to our plan, will we miss new opportunities? Will our blinders block out a better path? How do we strike a balance?

I wonder about timing too. If something is wrongly timed, do we deviate from our plan? Is this spontaneous or reckless? Or are we just recognizing that the plan needs to be adjusted?

I don’t know what is next for me. But I do know that *this* right now, this isn’t all that’s in store for me. I know I need to feel fulfilled by my relationships, career, dreams, and life. Otherwise, why are we here? Just to merely exist and take up air? NO WAY. I think and hope and pray and wish that my story is bigger than that.

One of my favorite new quotes:

“Listen- are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?”

-Mary Oliver, once again :)

WTF? W.T.F.

Occasionally I will ask my husband to tell me his highs and lows for the day. Sometimes we struggle to find a low, some days all we have are lows. Over the course of our lifetime we will have both, and will probably average out to somewhere in the middle. I’m finding there is so much to be joyful about when living right in the middle.

So much of my time and energy has been focused outwardly, searching for my “passion” or my “one thing.” And through all my searching I continued to feel negative, disappointed, and even stupid at times for not knowing what my next step was. It took me awhile to realize that this was a low; a low longer than my usual ones and more uncertain and scary than I’ve experienced. I decided to give in to my low and explore this new darkness.

I tried out this uncertainty, thought about my fears, and talked through my insecurities. It took some courage to say, “Hey, you’re unhappy and THAT’S OK! Let’s live here for awhile and learn something!” I gave myself permission to not have a passion. I started being comfortable with not knowing, and telling others I didn’t know. I reached out to friends. I cried, a lot. I hugged my dog and took long walks. I found that as soon as I allowed myself to fully experience all that I was feeling, it wasn’t so scary.

There are a few quotes and lyrics that have been floating in and out of my mind lately:

"The pursuit of happiness is the source of all unhappiness."
- Quote from my Mom’s yoga class a few weeks ago

"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to realize that this too was a gift." -Mary Oliver

“Oh, but if you could, do you think you would
Trade it all, all the pain and suffering?
Oh, but then you would've missed the beauty of
The light upon this earth and the sweetness of the leaving

-Jane Siberry song “Calling All Angels”

Sometimes all we need is a shift in perspective, a cloud of darkness to pass before the sun can shine again. It is during our times of sadness that we can reflect, reach out, connect to loved ones, and prepare ourselves for the light.

WTF is wrong with feeling low?!

If God laughs at our plans, should we even bother?

Highs and lows