I'm Looking For The Answer

My friend called me late the other night saying this:

“I don’t know what to do. I’m looking for the answer.”

Oh honey, I can’t give it to you. You need to listen to yourself.  Your answer is in your gut, I told her. It’s that little voice that you hear first thing in the morning, or the last thing you hear at night. It’s that feeling you get, deep down without realizing it’s there. It’s not in your head or your heart; it’s what you feel in your soul. You will find your answer there, if you listen.

I reminded her of this sad fact of adulthood- sometimes we need to decide between what is right and what is easy. I hope she chooses what is right, for the easy choice will give her no satisfaction or relief. It will not take the weight off her shoulders; it will not make her happy. Her answer will not come from those around her; it will only come when she connects with herself.

My sweet friend was concerned about being selfish. She doesn’t want to make others mad, she doesn’t want to lose those important to her. My heart aches for her as she struggles, but I know that at the end of this struggle there is a magical moment where she learns that she is in control of her life. She learns that she can make decisions for herself. She learns that *this* moment right here is so important as she grows into the woman that she was meant to be.

I hope she makes the right decision, and not the easy one. I hope she listens to her gut. I hope she connects with herself and puts her own self-care first. I hope she knows I will love her and support her NO. MATTER. WHAT.

I hope too, that I listen to my own advice.

WTF is so hard about making the right decision? 

How did I get here?

I used to do a lot of driving before moving to Philadelphia. I would take the same routes each day, pick the same tollbooths (I hate EZPass!), and mindlessly move through the habits of driving my car.  There were many times I arrived at my destination having NO memory of getting there. Did I cut someone off today? Run a red light?! I didn’t know the details but I assumed the majority of my driving decisions were correct.

Now I feel like I’m in a similar position personally.  I’ve reached this junction yet have no idea how I got here. Did I make the correct decisions to arrive safely? Was I conscious of the weight of all my decisions? Did I really weigh out my options? Is this whole crisis me just slamming on my brakes, looking around and saying,

“How the HELL did I get here?!”

I’m learning that we really are constantly evolving, growing, and discovering ourselves. Perhaps that’s obvious to some, but there was a part of me that thought once I reach a certain age, I’d at least have myself figured out. I feel like I’ve grown the most since the age of 25; this is scary yet wildly exciting to me. The opportunities and experiences that lie ahead are intoxicating, yet the idea that I could, and probably will, change drastically yet again makes me feel uneasy. The idea of navigating my future feels extra tricky knowing that future Adrienne could be very different than the current version.

How do we make decisions for our future when we don’t know that person yet? Do we have faith that our core values will carry us through? How do we stay present and not get lost in the journey?

WTF is the best way home?