Skating

I recently decided to revamp this blog and also started an Instagram account for it ( @mywtfblog, if you’re so inclined). I thought, “Hey this is a great time to bring the blog back! I’m doing all these fun and new things! I’m in California!” And while that’s all true and nice, the real reason and the only one that actually means a damn is that I just simply like writing it. I don’t care if it gets 3 views for my most heartfelt post, it’s the act of writing and putting my small mark on the world that drives me to write. Why do I always have to have an agenda?! Why can’t I just have a hobby?

Perhaps that’s what I am most excited about from leaving coaching, embarking on this sunny adventure, and then returning to school- I get to have skating back to be all my own. For the past 13 years I have only gone to the rink to serve my students. 99% of my trips to the rink I was lacing up my beloved skates for someone else’s dream. Absolutely not, I am not going to make a comeback (don’t even suggest it I am WAY TOO OLD). But now I get to go to the rink, when I want to, skate as much as I want, leave when I want, and do whatever I want again. I get to have my first and most beloved hobby back. I always said skating was my first love, and it still is today.

It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve been on the ice and I can’t wait to get back. I feel like it will be like meeting an old friend again, and we will pick up right where we left off.

The Sound Bath

I’ve started my four month stint at a midwifery practice and birthing center in southern California and I couldn’t be happier. The women, the mission, they all just align with what I believe. It’s refreshing to find that a place like this exists in the world.

Today after my office shift, the founder and head “baby catcher” treated us to a sound bath. She had this gorgeous gong that she played in the lobby of the practice and we rested our heads and eyes and allowed the sound, vibrations, and mood wash over us. My mind wandered to both ideas that were real and fantasy. I imagined breathing underwater, standing atop mountains, and occasionally my to-do list popped up. Sometimes I thought nothing at all, barely even hearing the music as my mind almost left my surroundings. Twenty-five minutes later we emerged, with heavy eyes and a feeling of tingling within our bodies. We had been recalibrated.

What else could we experience if we let it wash over us? What else are we missing as we spend our lives calculating, planning, and rushing? Fighting back the tears and keeping our feelings at bay? I wonder sometimes what moments I missed in my early adulthood. I used to be so “by the book.” I didn’t deviate from the plan. But here I am, having spent a few years now deviating from all plans and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.

Old habits die hard though, and now I just have a new beautiful plan. Actually, I should say preferences. At the birth center, they are called a woman’s birth preferences, with the understanding that the course of labor will dictate which preferences can be accommodated and which cannot. Perhaps this is how we should live, with preferences rather than plans, allowing the flow of life to wash over us and just riding the waves.

We Have All The Answers

I’m not a mother, but there is a philosophy I like- it’s called Resources for Infant Education, or RIE. This school of thought attracted me because of its core values. One of them is complete trust in the child, starting from infancy, that they are explorers and initiators in their own learning and they learn what they are ready for. Because of this trust, parents are to only provide enough help so that the child can enjoy mastering their own actions. As it relates to my development as an adult, I see friends and family providing that support but ideally allowing us to find our own way, make our own mistakes, and learn to trust our selves.

I believe that inherently we know what is best for ourselves. We know what we should and should not eat, how much we should sleep, and if certain behavior is risky or not. We know when we aren’t feeling well and we can recognize when we have made mistakes. We know what college will be our best fit and we find jobs that we hope will give us fulfillment. We know what hobbies we enjoy and we know which people to stay away from. We know so much about our own needs and wants if we are allowed the space to explore and discover on our own.

I enjoy thinking about words, as you know, and question whether they are really the best fit for the stories we tell ourselves. A word I have been mulling over lately is stubborn. Stubborn can have a few meanings: unreasonably obstinate, fixed or set in purpose, resolute, unyielding, difficult to manage or suppress. Truthfully, most of these are OK to me! I think it’s a good thing to be set in a purpose or opinion. We are allowed to feel all that we feel. We are allowed to have our own opinions, and we can be sure in our understanding of what is best for us.

I like the word resolute. I think about determination and perseverance when I hear this word. I envision someone looking straight off into the horizon, standing in the sun. I see a person navigating the twists and turns of life with flexibility, yet still keeping an eye on their end goal.

If we are given the space and time to trust ourselves, we can find our own answers. With some introspection and reflection, we can listen and look inwards. We have the answers; we hear them all the time. We have a gut that speaks to us. We can believe in it. We don’t need someone else to tell us what to do. We can be confident in our needs and wants. We do in fact know what is best for our selves.

WTF is stopping you from trusting yourself?

Giving Thanks

Today as we gorge ourselves on amazing food, cheer for (or against, in my case) the Eagles and reconnect with family and friends we will be reminded of all the wonderful things in our lives. We will express gratitude towards our health, the loved ones surrounding us, and perhaps our fruitful careers. It’s easy to be thankful for all the positive parts of our lives; they bring us joy and fulfillment and make the bad parts feel not so bad. However, I am learning that it’s important to be grateful for the messy, ugly and painful parts of life too. It is in these moments that we are pushed to grow and evolve, and that is really something to be thankful for.

Here is what I am grateful for this Thanksgiving:

The deeply challenging and productive work I have been doing in therapy- my sense of self has never been stronger.

The courage to have conversations that really matter and the better understanding of the implications of such conversations- this is a recent discovery that I think my friend Lizzy would be very proud to hear. :)

My friends and family who have continued to accept me as I am.

The possibility of change and the fear and excitement that accompanies it.

The acceptance that not all things go according to our plans.

Small surprises and the joy they bring, even if fleeting.

My physical reaction to anxiety- while painful, it reminds me that I am here and present and living through my growth. On the contrary, when I am feeling great I know that I am doing something right.

My blog for being my heart on display- I am so grateful for the connections and conversations that have started from this space. I am so honored to have touched some of you with my story.

Lastly, I am grateful for this journey- in troubled times we learn how much we know, how deeply we care and how much strength we possess.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours <3

WTF are you thankful for?

Navigating Transitions

I received an email a few weeks ago from a skating friend and the title of the email was “Transitions.” My first assumption was that she had a question for me in regards to her program, an idea for skating, etc. What I found was so much better. She discussed transitions in life; how sometimes people will grow along with us and how sometimes we will need to leave them behind. Sometimes the best thing we need to do is acknowledge the relationship, and then move on. Because I had thought her email was originally going to be about skating transitions, I began to think more about this particular skating skill.

In skating, we strive to have difficult transitions between the elements in our students’ programs. We try to create varied and difficult steps that help demonstrate the strength of the skaters, the story behind the choreography, and of course to get as many points as possible. Over time, these transitions will still be difficult but will look effortless because of the skill of the skaters. Through hours of work, the partners learn how to navigate these transitions with ease. They strategize how to gain power and flow through their steps, yet maintain grace and elegance. They are intellectually, emotionally, and physically involved in the work they are creating. At some point, I wonder if I’m no longer talking about skating, but talking about life.

A partnership is an incredible thing- whether it be personal, professional, or in the sporting world. Partners share responsibility, they collaborate, and they work towards their common goal. They balance each other out, and pick up the slack for the other if need be. They consistently evaluate their progress and alter their action plan if they get off track. They lean on one another, give feedback, offer support, and expect that each day they will both put out their best effort. Teamwork is crucial; it is the beating heart between these two (or more) people.

As I have seen recently though, partnerships fail. When major factors no longer align, the reason for the partnership gets called into question. When partners are not bringing their best effort, frustration gets high. When partners are no longer responding to needs and requests, resentment grows. When the time put into creating those seamless transitions just results in pushing and pulling and a lack of growth, partners wonder if they lost sight of their goal; they wonder if they still want to continue. I believe this is important- we must check in with ourselves and ask, “Is this what I want? Is this working? Do I still want to go down this path?”

It is through these moments of reflection that the strength of the partnership either flourishes or fails. The partners determine whether they will continue to navigate these transitions together or apart. They must decide whether to push through and grow together, or acknowledge the relationship and move on.

WTF makes a great partnership?

Self-doubt

Doubting oneself might be the worst form of self-punishment.  It throws even the most centered, logical person into a space of turmoil and pain. Everything instantly becomes a question and an answer; nothing can solve the riddle.  It’s like quicksand- the more you struggle and search, the quicker it pulls you down.

I used to trust my gut. I used to think I knew myself and my wants, needs, dreams, and fears. What I thought was fact now seems like wild fiction. Things that were set now seem unstable. I feel as though suddenly the massive ship I was traveling on just changed to an inflatable raft, desperately trying to stay afloat in the midst of a gusty storm. I’m drowning in my desperation.

There’s a battle between my head, my heart and my gut. I’m trying to breathe deeply and search inward for clarity. I am trying to find comfort in silence and space. I overheard in my yoga class someone say, “You can breathe into your heart, but you cannot breathe into your mind.”

How in the world is your brain supposed to find relief?

WTF happened??