Skating

I recently decided to revamp this blog and also started an Instagram account for it ( @mywtfblog, if you’re so inclined). I thought, “Hey this is a great time to bring the blog back! I’m doing all these fun and new things! I’m in California!” And while that’s all true and nice, the real reason and the only one that actually means a damn is that I just simply like writing it. I don’t care if it gets 3 views for my most heartfelt post, it’s the act of writing and putting my small mark on the world that drives me to write. Why do I always have to have an agenda?! Why can’t I just have a hobby?

Perhaps that’s what I am most excited about from leaving coaching, embarking on this sunny adventure, and then returning to school- I get to have skating back to be all my own. For the past 13 years I have only gone to the rink to serve my students. 99% of my trips to the rink I was lacing up my beloved skates for someone else’s dream. Absolutely not, I am not going to make a comeback (don’t even suggest it I am WAY TOO OLD). But now I get to go to the rink, when I want to, skate as much as I want, leave when I want, and do whatever I want again. I get to have my first and most beloved hobby back. I always said skating was my first love, and it still is today.

It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve been on the ice and I can’t wait to get back. I feel like it will be like meeting an old friend again, and we will pick up right where we left off.

Comments Welcome!

I started my blog for me. I wanted to tell my story in a more permanent way, but never really had intentions of sharing it beyond a few close friends. However, it became apparent that sharing it was indeed the next step of my story. Since sharing it, I have received phone calls, emails and texts from friends and family either lending support or divulging their own stories. I have felt so honored to be trusted with these sentiments.

I feel that the next step in my blog is to create a space for readers to share their thoughts and feelings about particular posts. I ask myself many questions throughout this blog, and I try to leave the post with a question for you to ponder. My hope is that through my own thinking and processing, I can connect with the feelings of others and quietly remind them they are not alone. Sometimes knowing there is another person experiencing similar feelings is very validating, or so I have found.

If you wish to contribute to my story through your comments, I only ask that you write with compassion. We are all fighting our own fight. I hope that we can all connect with each other more and feel encouraged and loved through our own vulnerability. Let’s be brave together.

WTF do you want to share?

Friendships

My college roommate (aka my “pretty kitty”) Brittany always quoted this line as one of her favorites:

            “Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher.”

                        -Oprah Winfrey

I didn’t really understand this when I met her my freshmen year at The College of New Jersey.  Back then, I was looking for my gaggle of girls to go to frat parties with on a Tuesday night, or someone to grab mac and cheese with at midnight.  My friends were a part of my life but more as avenues for fun and entertainment, rather than meaningful connections.

Now as a trek through all my uncertainty, it is my friends who have thrown out the lifeline and tried to save me. My family has been wonderful too, but they have a different lens. My friends are my friends through choice, and that willingness is what makes these relationships so special to me. They don’t *have* to help me, they want to. Each friend provides their own insight, with different layers of experience woven into their advice. Some friends have known me since childhood and remind me of where I came from, and how I’ve grown. Other friends are recently discovered kindred spirits, who have a fresh outlook without the baggage of history. Perhaps the most special are those who reach out unexpectedly, offering a perspective without any agenda to fix me. Regardless of our connection, their mission is the same- to provide love, support and encouragement.

True friends are incredible. They look at all your troubles, mistakes and flaws and love you anyway. They ask the tough questions. They allow you to be your ugliest, most candid self. They don’t accept your shit. Most importantly, they have always given me the space to truly experience all that I am feeling. They don’t dismiss my feelings, change them, or convince me otherwise. They give so much. But they also push me. My friends are my mirrors- they force me to face my truths and they don’t let me hide my flaws. I can’t ignore the face my best friend gives when I have done something wrong, I can’t pretend I don’t hear her tone over the phone.

If I can offer one piece of unsolicited advice, it is this- reach out to that friend you haven’t spoken to in awhile. Reconnect with that friend from college who you lost touch with. Forgive that friend who pissed you off a while ago. Show compassion for the friend who is having a hard time. They will appreciate it; they need it. And you will be forever grateful you did it too.

The best of friends hide nothing. I’m so lucky to have mine. They have reached out to me and pulled me out of this hole; they have lifted me higher.

WTF is stopping you from connecting with a friend of yours?

We're Only As Sick As Our Secrets

The other day I shared a photo on Instagram of a seemingly “basic” shot- cute sneakers, fall leaves, and a nice hot vanilla latte. My message was different though, yet it was simple- “I need help.”

I decided to be public about my need to reach out for therapy. Having been a Psychology major in school, I believed in therapy and had always wanted to go. But more importantly, I felt that I needed to share this information. I needed to tell others I wasn’t ok to help me accept this. I needed to shine light onto my darkness. I needed to not keep a secret.

            We’re only as sick as our secrets.

The secrets we keep, the stories we tell ourselves, they eat us up. They take up space in our hearts and minds and block us from moving forward. They hurt our souls and bring us guilt and shame. They make us feel broken, unworthy, and unlovable. We can hide them away inside us and let them fester and grow and build up until we feel like we’re choking on ourselves, or we can BREAK THEM FREE. We can shine a light on them, we can talk about them, and we can stare our fears and secrets right in the face. But we must decide to do that. We must be ready to try. We must be vulnerable, and a little scared too.

And we must be ready to let them go. Because ultimately, we are worthy of a life filled with light.

WTF is your secret?

The Dangers of Headphones

Lately I have been walking my dog Maple with my headphones in.  During a time of extreme anxiety and stress, I find that music quiets my never-ending train of thoughts. Muse is my artist of choice. It allows me to focus on walking and listening, rather than questioning and doubting.

Today, however, a woman named Francis interrupted my groove about 2 blocks from home. She jumped from her porch to come say hello to my pup, a common occurrence because he’s just so freaking cute. Rather than hurry off, Maple and I stayed to chat. I learned that she was a Vietnam vet, worked for 30 years in California as a licensed nurse, and had recently taken in a homeless family and called the children her own. Though blind in one eye, she knew I was beautiful due to my aura, or so she told me. She asked if she could pray for me while we stood on her sidewalk. Never one to turn down free support, I happily obliged. As she stared into my eyes and asked God to bless me with love, prosperity, health and happiness I couldn’t help but smile right back at her.  This eccentric stranger (who may or may not have had a few afternoon beers) had really touched my heart. She asked me to come by again with my dog so we could play cards on her porch.

It’s times like this that I remember how dangerous headphones can be. What a beautiful moment I would have missed otherwise. It was a gentle reminder that though I may be in a tough spot, serendipitous moments are always just around the corner.

WTF else have I missed?