Today I did something that I think is so embarrassing- I cried on the ice. As a coach, I would always shake my head at the dramatics of some of the kids at my rink, crying in frustration at themselves, at their partner, or at their damn double axel. I was far removed from that as a coach; I only skated my prescribed dances with a few of my students and stayed very much within my comfort zone. And surely as a kid I NEVER did that, right?!

Ha! Upon further reflection...I used to call my mom crying to tell her that my partner wasn’t working hard enough. I used to keep a journal where I would write so hard in anger that I would rip the pages during fits about my coach at the time. I remember running to the bathroom to throw up and cry after our second year competing at Novice at Nationals where we ended up in the same place as the year before. These are just the memories that have stuck with me 14 years after my last competition, surely there are many, many more lost in the depths of my mind, clearly illustrating my highly emotional side as a skater.

So this test of mine- we’ve made some concessions about what should be fully leveled and what shouldn’t. For me, the twizzles were going to be hard no matter what, but I decided from the beginning that they were going to be as “real” of a twizzle sequence as they could be. All the revolutions, all the directions, and as many features as feasible. I said I wanted hard right? I’m pretty sure I asked for this. But today I unraveled emotionally as I fell down time and time again, making the same error over and over. I’ve had days like this before. Sometimes I wonder if I have them to keep reminding me not to be afraid of this element. If I can survive the falls, then I can survive the element. These days are also a lesson in skating.

Skating is hard, and this is also rushing back to me each time I skate. I’ve only been back on the ice consistently for about 4 months right now, spending much of that time finding my balance and flow again. I’ve also forgotten the variability of this sport- sometimes the ice is a little different, it’s colder than usual, maybe I didn’t sleep or eat as well, maybe I just came off or am about to go on to night shift. These small nuances were maybe easy to get over when I was a teen, but as an adult dusting off my skating, these are probably playing a greater role than I realize in the progress of this test. I’m not lending myself nearly as much grace as I should.

The real issue is that I just can’t regulate myself. I put so much pressure on myself, on each practice, and each attempt that I’m constantly disappointed. This is something I just don’t remember when I was a kid. I know I wanted to do well, and I always wanted to please my coaches, but I don’t remember this level of soul crushing expectations. Sometimes I feel like coming back to skating with perspective and more knowledge is a double edged sword. Now I am fully aware of every mistake I make, leading me further down a road of frustration and feelings of inadequacy. I’m thankful for this insight and self-awareness but today it was just too much for me to handle and I unraveled emotionally as I glided around the edge of the rink, failing to hold back my frustration.

When I started this blog back in 2015 I would have told you that I thought I was a bad writer, that I used the passive voice too often and was too wordy. Those things may still be true now, but I have also become a stronger writer by facing this practice week after week. I stumbled through the difficult feelings, and struggled to find the right words to convey my thoughts. But I kept at it, with no time frame in mind or expectation of how I would grow through this blog or the lives that it would touch along the way. I think I need to do the same with my skating- come back to the practice day after day. Release my old labels of being “bad at twizzles”, stumble through the choreography and the awkward spin positions. I entered this project knowing it would be hard, knowing there would be bumps in the road. But I also came back for the joy; though today wasn’t a joyous day it was in fact a real day in the grind of this practice that I know will, ultimately, lead me to something I am proud of in the end.