I sat down to begin this entry with some uncertainty. I have taken quite the hiatus from the blog for the past few months, but now feel that this is the perfect time to jump back in. I have always said that this blog was for me, and while sharing it with others has been extremely validating and comforting, I kept my experience with it personal and on my terms. Surprisingly, I haven’t felt any guilt about stepping away. It hasn’t been what I needed. I needed a few months of big action, some time to physically pull away and begin again. I reached the point where I was done thinking about what I needed to do; it was time to simply do it. The past few sessions with my therapist have seen a similar shift; we began to travel back into the depths of Adrienne and my past to help me move forward with purpose and clarity. We are getting to the root of who I am.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about my identity within relationships. I have had a tendency to “melt into” others; I have adapted their likes, their musical interests and other hobbies to help facilitate a connection. Realizing now my deep need for emotional connection, I reasoned that perhaps I did this in an attempt to build a connection for what was lacking in the emotional realm. I will admit, I was pretty impressed with this rationale, but my therapist wasn’t as impressed. She pressed on, questioning why I wasn’t able to stand firmly in myself, why I couldn’t be my own “well defined” person in a relationship.

“I don’t even know what a well-defined person looks like for me.”

“There! Right there! There is the crack in your confidence, in your being."

Ahh, f*ck. She figured me out.

The following week I returned to her with my big questions: What does a well-defined person look like? What does that look like for me? When will I get there? She said she couldn’t answer those questions. #typicaltherapist

However, I did get her to give her definition of a well-defined person: Someone who has found contentment in all areas of life- emotionally, socially, intellectually, professionally, physically, spiritually. Someone who is comfortable and not floundering. (insert swinging arms here) I definitely connected with floundering. This is a feeling I have had recently and many times in the past.

She said, like moments for me in the past, I would know I reached it when I got there. There is no timeline, there is no way to predict my process. I will know when I feel it. A year ago an answer like that would have been infuriating; however now that I have experienced it, I have faith that I will indeed know when the time is right.

So here’s the beginning of the next journey…self-discovery, redefining myself, and staying true to the real Adrienne.

WTF is the crack in your confidence?