It’s been a hard year.

It’s been a hard year for EVERYONE.

But, I can (maybe) only speak for nurses, and say that for us, it’s been really, really hard.

People often talk about burnout in nurses, and how this is a problem, and how to fix it and yadda yadda. But really, how does one fight burnout?

I had an idea one day, and it wasn’t radical, or new, or even particularly innovative. It was just simply: gratitude. It’s the only thing that has ever lifted me from depression, the only thing to combat self-doubt, pity, depression, sadness. So, at the end of this year, I’ve decided to dedicate this last post to gratitude. The thing about gratitude is that, when you look for it, it’s actually in abundance. Once you start being grateful, miraculously, you find more things to be grateful for. It’s this magic that saves us, that pulls us from the darkness, that reminds us to keep going. Gratitude grants us the ability to step back and realize that there is goodness in our lives, and that a portion of that goodness lies outside of us- whether that be nature, other people, experiences, or faith in a higher power or purpose.

This isn’t the first time that I have leaned on gratitude. During the divorce I started wearing a Fitbit, and at noon each day I had a recurring vibrating alarm. That small reminder was just to myself, each day, to say something that I was thankful for. Some days I couldn’t say more than being thankful for the weather. Eventually, I was able to list a few things. This wasn’t a linear process, but one with peaks and valleys, steps forward and backward. But over time, I came to see that the more good I could pull from my life, the more good started coming back to me.

Knowing this, I suggested a gratitude practice during a Unit Council meeting at work. I shared that I thought it the most powerful antidote we had to fight the unmeasurable burnout we have felt this year. Burnout breeds more burnout; it’s only natural to commiserate with others about shared challenging experiences at 2am when you’re still documenting your assessments. Yet, we know that gratitude also breeds more gratitude, and for this reason, I proposed that we start weaving gratitude into our practice.

In the spirit of this, and the New Year, I feel compelled to share what I am grateful for this year. Despite everything, there is always goodness.

I’m grateful for technology; Facetime and Zoom have made this year tolerable. Between calls with my family, Zoom workouts, Microsoft Teams meetings...this year was conducted over the internet. This fact isn’t to be overlooked...it has kept us connected to our people across the world, when our physical presence couldn’t. It’s not the same, nor is it trying to be. But in times like this, it does a damn good job, and I’m thankful that I have it available to me.

I’m grateful for Tom. There is nothing that I do that, frankly, he doesn’t support. I volunteered for Covid back in the spring, and he said Yes. I wanted my brother to live with us, and he said Yes. He wanted to start a new business and I said Yes. To have someone who is your biggest advocate is priceless. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I’m grateful for my dog Phoebe. Who would have thought that adopting dogs from the south would be so hard in 2020? We waited so patiently for her, looked at countless photos of dogs on websites, filled out so many applications. Pheebs came to us so quickly...Tuesday we saw her picture and by Friday, she was in our laps. She has been such a joy. I cannot imagine our lives without her.

I’m grateful for my best friend Robyn. She did some amazingly bold moves this past year, leaving her husband, job, and home in NJ to work for Kamala Harris like the badass bitch that she is. More importantly though, she continues to call me on my shit, right when I need to hear it most. Seeing her only 2 times in an entire year has been absolutely rotten, but somehow our friendship will come out of this pandemic in better form than when we entered.

I’m grateful for my coworkers. What a year we have had. Oncology, Covid, Oncology with Covid. To be in a place with such flux, but with such dependable coworkers, is a gift. The nurses I work alongside want nothing more than to give the very best care. They work so hard for our patients, stopping at nothing to give their all, every day. To learn from them has been a privilege. To stand amongst them in this pandemic has been an honor.

I’m grateful for my family. This year has not been without losses: Uncle Pat, Grandpop, Granny. We are significantly changed by this. Despite these losses, we continue to lean on each other, to remember the years gone by, to smile at the memories. We have been so lucky to have such revered members of our family for so long. Sometimes, it feels like not enough time. Yet, here we are.

I’m grateful for my brother Jake. This might be the hardest to write about. The pandemic has shifted the goals and aspirations of many, my brother included. This brilliant man was studying in London at the time that shit hit the fan in the US, and eventually he found himself back in NJ. Luckily, we here in Philadelphia had more space than we needed, and Jake came here. For a bit of context, Jake and I are 5.5 years apart. Something about our age difference just put the slightest wedge between us when we were younger, and it wasn’t until the last 5 years or so that we settled into a great friendship. Something changed when he was living abroad; we started to text, call, and connect more while he was gone. Perhaps I was just a small bit of home. Regardless, once he was back in the States for the pandemic, I offered that he come live in our house,

“Jake, we have plenty of space.”

And so he did. I’m not sure Tom was ready for a roommate during the first year of marriage, but he got one, and thus a family of 3 was formed, with Phoebe by our sides. I’m not sure I have enough words to articulate the joy that he has brought to my life since being here. In some ways, I saw this pandemic as a “once in a lifetime opportunity” for us. When again would I have the chance to live with my brother, as adults, without children? When would we be able to have this much time together? Potentially never. We played games, watched movies, drank countless beers in our backyard, went on walks, visited museums, ate our weight in sushi, and read side by side during many evenings. It has been the biggest gift of 2020 for me. It makes me think of my grandparents, and the importance they placed on “making deposits in our emotional banks.” I think they would be proud.

We look back on 2020 with many emotions- frustration, loss, regret, sadness. But, if we choose to see it, there is also gratitude. It is this shift, to see the good and to be grateful, that will help pull us through, it will save us from burning out. Perhaps we connected with nature again, perhaps we caught up on sleep, or started to run again. Perhaps we reached out to distant family members. Perhaps we learned to cook, or perfected French macarons, or learned to speak spanish. Maybe we just binged on Netflix or crushed a reading list. Regardless of how you spent 2020, there is something to be proud of, something to cherish, and something to be grateful for.

WTF are you grateful for?