There finally came a day of skating with Colin that I couldn’t avoid any longer- the first day of lifts. Now there’s nothing radical about this day, but it can be awkward. You grab things you don’t mean to, you make weird noises, it’s just not...cute. And while Colin is of course my friend, as partners on the ice, we are new to each other and I have found to be overly hard on myself to “be a good partner” and have quickly regressed to my old people pleasing ways. So a day trying out new lifts was definitely anxiety-provoking for me.

We were working through some ideas off ice and naturally all of my deeply rooted ideas of body image, weight, etc are flying through my mind while also totally grunting my way through these changes of pose. Like word vomit, I say to him, “Ugh am I being a sack of potatoes? I’m sorry for being so awkward at this!” And without skipping a beat he says back to me, jokingly of course, “God Adrienne why can’t you just get it right on the first try?!” Oh yikes, he’s right, that’s exactly what I was not just hoping for, but expecting of myself. Right on the first try- is that even possible? On anything? Maybe once in a blue moon, but with any kind of consistency? I doubt it. But here I was, being self conscious and disappointed that I wasn’t being perfect.

Perfect- where did this come from? As I reflect on this ugly inner wish, I can’t help but remember all of the things lately that *haven’t* been right on the first try- a degree and career, a marriage. I definitely didn’t have those right on the first try. Yet, was it my intense drive for something better that pushed me to reach for more? Was it my relentless pursuit, though frustrating to manage on a daily basis, the exact thing that lead me through the phases of wrong? Is the grass really greener on the other side? And if not for some, then why for me?

So given this history of imperfection, why now? Why now do I feel this need to control and analyze every movement of my skating, and furthermore, of my nursing job? I started at Penn so intent on “getting it all done” and never missing something. And for sure, there are elements of nursing that must be done and should never be missed. But I’ve struggled these first few months with forgiving myself for occasionally not clearing an IV pump, or forgetting to do my signouts at the end of the shift. In the grand scheme of my day, these are minor issues, but these little things were the ones I would ruminate on during my ride home, ignoring perhaps the good catch moment I had, or the emotionally distant patient who started to trust me. Why is it always easier to harp on our errors rather than celebrate our successes? Why am I expecting so much, so soon?

When Colin and I revisited lifts a few weeks later, we were on the ice trying out a new rotational lift. After a few awkward and semi-successful attempts, I suggested that we just go for it with some speed. To be exact, I said, “Let’s just really do it before I overthink it and can’t do it again.” And lo and behold, we totally got it on that next try, and then true to form, I started to overthink it. But isn’t it funny how well we know ourselves? I knew both how to fix the issue, and how it would unravel. But I think the answer is somewhere in there for me. I have to be willing to let some things go, to go full speed, to trust myself and those around me, to trust Colin, to trust Tom, my coworkers, Lizzy, Robyn, and my family, and all of the people who have guided me through the wrongs, through the missteps on that first try. I’m learning so much by being wrong on the first try, if anything I am grateful that I am far from perfect.

WTF did you get wrong on the first try?