“Damn, I burned your breakfast.”

These are never happy words to hear, but especially when you’re in the midst of labor. I was in the kitchen of my client’s home, prepping food for them to take in the car as we made our way to the birth center. We were heading into LA rush hour traffic, and I knew that getting some food into my client was important. So far, my greatest contribution to this birth as their doula was prepping food, calling the midwife, and packing the car. My client was set on having her husband beside her for every contraction, leaving little time for him to do these other tasks. While happy to help, I was lost in their kitchen, and hence, the burnt breakfast.

We arrived surprisingly fast to the birth center, and were happy to learn she was about 6-7 centimeters dilated. We moved into the birthing suite to get ready. She did amazingly well, moving around the room from bed, to tub, to toilet, with her sweet husband right next to her, whispering little reminders in her ear, letting her squeeze him as much as she needed, and barely taking a moment for himself while he supported her. They were so connected to one another, and were so prepared to really labor together.

Despite the quick jump out of the gate, this birth was bound to follow its own course, as all births do. A few hours later, my client was at 8 cm and unchanged since the previous exam. The midwives told me to go get lunch, but before I dipped out for a bit, I spoke to my client. As she had been managing her contractions for the past few hours, with no cervical change, she kept saying, “I just don’t want to push for hours,” perhaps knowing that allowing herself to get to 10 cm would bring the pushing stage. I carefully explained that perhaps she needed to address her mindset a bit, and that a little mental shift might be needed to get beyond this hurdle. While I’m not sure if it helped or not, I knew that some level of resistance from my client would continue to slow her labor, and eventually affect her confidence in her body.

Ina May Gaskin discusses this mind/body connection in her book Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth (I’m sure she discusses it in Spiritual Midwifery too but I just am currently reading the other!) Ina May shares stories of births where both negative memories and positive affirmations both have a profound effect on the laboring woman and her ability to lose or build momentum in her birth. Furthermore, she even discusses cases where she witnessed labor reversing itself (WHAT?!) when the woman was feeling alarmed, negative, or scared. This phenomenon is not new, with examples from births dating back to the mid 1800’s where labor had stalled and reversed; doctors from this time also make suggestions that they should allow the laboring woman to invite you in to her presence, a practice I can say is not in use at the hospitals I have attended.

The power of positive thinking is not new to many of us. I’m sure we have all had experiences where the negative self-talk we created indeed came true, and this can also happen with positive talk! I wonder sometimes, when it comes to birth, what would happen if we stopped adamantly sharing the negative and scary aspects of our own birth stories, and started to spread the news of joyous, happy births? What could this shift in our mindset do for the greater birthing community, and possibly even birth outcomes? Of course, I recognize that there is always a need for interventions and emergency precautions, yet as one experienced doctor said to me, “We train for the 5% of cases where problems happen, but most women do not need our help.” Why don’t we start highlighting those normal cases instead of spreading fear to our soon-to-be parents?

True to form though, my client DID push for many hours, exactly what did she didn’t want. Looking back, I can’t say I’m too surprised. But I’m also not surprised that the midwives allowed her to go for so long. As always, they were prepared for that 5%, but their deep knowledge of birth allowed them to trust her. When the baby was born, the father started to cry, and Lord knows I cannot handle a crying dad, so I too cried. Through it all, they had been such a team. Even with mom’s faltering confidence, he was there, urging her along as she waited between contractions. They were the definition of a true partnership, and the greatest example of connectedness I have seen in a birth yet.